Finding Home
by N16
Summary: As the Marauders return to Hogwarts for their second year, the distance between Sirius and his family grows. At the same time, the four boys learn the strengths  and limits  of friendship.
1. Reunited

_Author's Note: Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe I'm unable to resist peer pressure. Maybe I'm just in denial about the series ending. Regardless the reason, I have decided (somewhat against my better judgment) to continue with the second year. Real life inches ever closer, however. I might hurry through like before and get this finished quickly. I also might be forced to go more slowly, taking time to do things like eat and sleep and work at my grown-up job. There is even a chance, horror or horrors, that it might never get finished. I will try not to let that happen. All of that being said, without further ado..._

_----------_

_I know what that boy is._

The snarled words ran through Sirius Black's brain over and over again until it seemed that they had lost their actual meaning, but the slightly sickened feeling they had caused remained in his stomach. He had felt a moment of panic when his father had first uttered them. Moments after they had walked through the barrier between platforms nine and ten, Sirius had spotted his good friend, Remus Lupin, helping their other friend, Peter Pettigrew, carry his trunk onto the train. He had waved at them, and they had grinned back, and he had turned to see the repulsed look of loathing on Orion Black's face.

_I know what that boy is._

How could he have possibly known, Sirius had wondered frantically? When no other students, when not even all of the professors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry knew, how could his father have possibly known that Remus was a werewolf? Had Sirius somehow slipped up over the summer and said something to give it away? Then, following his father's gaze, he had understood. His father hadn't been talking about Remus at all. He had been talking about Peter. The muggleborn. _The mudblood._

Sirius now sat in the compartment on the Hogwarts Express by himself. While other students said prolonged goodbyes to their parents and exchanged hugs and kisses, he had sprinted onto the train as quickly as he could. His father's comment about Peter had been followed by a harsh argument. But then, Sirius realized, the summer hadn't consisted of many fights so much as one long fight that picked up again whenever he found himself in the same room as either of his parents.

"_What he is?"_ Sirius had said angrily. "_What he _is _is my friend!_"

His father had laughed derisively. "_You can do better than that,_" he had said, eying the blond boy with open contempt.

"_How would you know?_" Sirius had shouted. "_You've never even met him! You don't even know his name!_" The only signs that Peter was muggleborn were his exceptionally mugglish clothing, and the exceptionally mugglish parents that stood a few feet away. Peter looked almost exactly like his father.

His father's face had gone stony, turning into a statue of complete calmness. Only his gray eyes, so much like Sirius's, had shown signs of fury. "_Do not yell at me,_" he had whispered in a voice that Sirius knew well. If they had been returning home, he knew he would have faced a severe punishment for yelling at his father in public. But he _wasn't_ going home, not any time soon, and that knowledge had filled him with a recklessness.

"_Why not? It's not like it matters!_" Sirius had screamed at him, fists clenched in fury. "_It doesn't matter if I yell or talk or say anything at all! You never listen! You _never_ listen!_"

He had thought for a moment that his father might strike him, right there in front of everyone, and had decided not to give him the chance. He had grabbed his trunk and raced for the train, not even looking back at his mother and brother. He didn't need to. His mother's anger would have reflected his father's, and Regulus would have looked bored and disinterested, as he had done all summer. If he minded, or even noticed, the constant fighting all around him, he never gave any sign of it.

Now Sirius sat in the empty compartment, shaking, partly from rage and partly from embarrassment. That was not how he would have chosen to begin the new school year.

"There you are!" an excited voice said from the doorway, and he felt a sharp punch on his arm. "We were looking for you!" James Potter dragged his own trunk in and shoved it onto the rack above them.

"Couldn't you have poked your head out or something?" Peter grumbled as he entered. "We had to haul these things up and down the corridor looking for you." He was having to heave his trunk alone now since Remus was tending to his own.

"Don't suppose there's any point in asking if you had a good rest of the summer," Remus said, looking at him out of the corner of his eye as he pushed his trunk up next to James's. It was strange to see him handling such a large, heavy trunk so easily. It looked like a good sneeze would send the small boy flying.

Sirius shrugged at his question rather than answer it. "How about you?"

"Not bad," Remus said. "Pretty boring once I got back from James's. I read some good books. Have you checked out our new text for Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

James caught his eye, and they both grinned. Only Remus would consider a new textbook to be exciting summer news. Remus saw their grin and rolled his eyes.

"I take it you _didn't_ check it out then."

"Why on earth would we?" Peter asked.

"Because it's really interesting. Nothing like last year."

All four boys all rolled their eyes this time as they remembered the past year's Defense Against the Dark Arts classes. They had spent most of the year studying the fundamentals of magical theory for hexes and jinxes. It had been a lot of reading and lecturing, and even Remus couldn't deny that it had been terribly boring.

"Professor Timms finally got a clue?" James asked, settling back comfortably in the seat.

"No," Remus said, surprised. "Professor Timms left."

"Did she?" Sirius couldn't pretend to be very disappointed. "Why?"

"Apparently she decided that she bit off more than she could chew, teaching at Hogwarts. Doesn't think she's cut out to be a professor. Moved down south and opened up an eel farm."

As the train rolled into motion, Sirius glanced around the compartment at his friends, taking in their faces. Across from him, Peter was smiling and talking, completely unaware that he had been the trigger for the confrontation that had taken place on the platform. He looked comfortable and happy, and Sirius felt a fresh surge of anger at his father. He wouldn't care that Peter was kindhearted or shy, and even funny at times. He would never see that, even if he spent years in Peter's presence. All his father would ever see of the boy was his heritage.

And then there was James. James, who looked comfortable and happy wherever he went. Sirius envied him that. He envied a lot about him, actually, from the ever-present carefree look in his eyes to the bag of homemade treats that sat between them on the seat. Sirius couldn't resent it, though, because James was James. Sirius had seen him at Platform 9¾ the year before, his parents fussing over him. Sirius's own mother had kissed him goodbye, and his father had clapped him on the shoulder, but he saw fear and wariness in their eyes even then. He had fought with his parents frequently for most of his life, ever since he had learned how to read, learned that there was more out there than the narrow views they held. Andromeda, his older cousin, had fostered that and nurtured it, until the family had disowned her. Sirius hadn't seen her since she had gotten married. He had never even met Ted Tonks, and he wondered what kind of man could capture a wild spirit like Andromeda.

That day, one year before, Sirius's father had told him that he knew Sirius would do right by them, and that Hogwarts and Slytherin House would be a fantastic experience. Sirius had walked quickly to the train, not feeling at all sad to leave his parents behind. He had felt free. As he walked away from them, he had noticed the black-haired boy with glasses watching them, the look on his face a cross between wariness and curiosity. They had found each other on the train, and almost immediately, Sirius had found an ally at Hogwarts.

Sirius shook his head, bringing himself back to the present, and looked at Remus. His light brown hair had grown longer over the summer, and some of his scars seemed to have faded. He looked rather normal, in fact. It was still a week to the full moon. He seemed to have a half-grin plastered permanently across his face as they all talked and laughed, his amber eyes bright, and though he was clearly trying to appear calm and casual, he was practically shaking with excitement. Sirius grinned as he remembered.

"So how does it feel, Moony?" he asked, when a lull came in the conversation.

"How does what feel?" Remus asked, bemused.

"Leaving for your _second_ year at Hogwarts," Sirius replied, raising his eyebrows, reminding everyone that Remus had once thought that he would never get to spend a second year at school. A flash of surprise crossed Remus's face before he attempted to look nonchalant and cool.

"Oh," he said. "Right. It's good. I mean..." Then the front came down, and a beam crossed his face, accompanied by a slight blush. "Yeah. It's good."

His friends all laughed, and James leaned over and grabbed Remus in a headlock, punching him several times in the arm, and Sirius laughed even harder at the look on Remus's face. He was laughing too, while at the same time trying inconspicuously to rub his arm.

They weren't terribly far into the journey before Sirius's face felt slightly sore from laughing. It was something he hadn't done much of during the summer, and it seemed that the muscles in his face were relearning how to do it. Number 12 Grimmauld Place, with the elf heads and the constant screaming matches, was getting farther and farther away. The thought gave him a warm feeling in his stomach.

----------

"Maybe I shouldn't," James said for the tenth time since that had arrived at breakfast. "I mean, it's only my second year. Maybe I should practice for another year first." He said the words calmly, thoughtfully. If not for the fact that they _had_ already had the conversation several times, he might have pulled off the appearance of complete nonchalance.

Remus and Peter already had their mouths open to begin another chorus of, "Of course you should!"s when Sirius cut them off. "Well, if you really want to wait another year, that's what you should do," he said, trying to hide his smirk as he shrugged. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the look of horror on James's face.

"_What?_" he cried, aghast. "You think I'm not good enough?" A look of anger crossed his face, the anger of damaged pride. "I'm _good_, Sirius. I'm _really _good."

Sirius couldn't quite keep the smirk back, and James spotted it. Sirius was ready for the punch that landed on his shoulder. He'd had a permanent bruise on his shoulder for over a year now.

Remus and Peter were both laughing at the indignant look on James's face. He scowled, then tried to look proud and dignified. "Fine," he said haughtily. "Fine. I'm going." He grabbed his broom off the table and stomped off, leaving his laughing friends behind him.

"Good luck!" Peter called after him between giggles.

It wasn't unusual for James to run on and on about Quidditch, but ever since team try-outs had been announced the week before, he had talked of _nothing _else. He didn't discuss homework, teachers, other students, or possible pranks. He wasn't even brainstorming any rule-breaking adventures, because he stayed out on the pitch practicing until it was dark every night, working himself so hard that he fell asleep almost as soon as he got back to the tower. To be quite frank, Quidditch was making James a rather boring friend to have.

Despite this, James _was _still their friend, so the three friends gathered up what was left of their toast and sausage, and headed out to the Quidditch pitch. As they watched all the hopefuls circling the pitch in a warm-up lap, Sirius wondered if James flew better or worse under pressure. He had seen James play over the summer, after all. They had played a few games of two-on-two, James and Peter against Sirius and Remus. Really though, it had mostly been afternoons spent watching James repeatedly throw the Quaffle through the hoop. The other three might as well have not been there at all.

As the actual try-outs began, Sirius was surprised to feel a pang of disappointment that James was flying rather well. He had been excited for James, had been entertained to see James's enthusiasm. Until that very moment, sitting in the bleachers, he had felt sincerely supportive. Hell, he had just manipulated James into going through with the try-outs! He knew he _should _be hoping his friend would make the team, but now he found he wasn't. Not _really_.

He didn't want James to make a fool of himself, he realized, but he didn't think he could take six years of Hogwarts with James falling asleep at eight every night. He glanced at his other friends out of the corner of his eye. He liked Remus and Peter, but they weren't James. Peter was a little too quick to agree with anything anyone else said, and it took all three of them to occasionally drag Remus's head out of a book. Sirius sighed heavily and turned his eyes back to the players. He thought he caught Remus glancing at him, but he looked determinedly ahead.

Stupid Quidditch.

----------

Sirius tried to feel remorseful, sympathetic, anything but cheerful and relieved. He was failing miserably.

"I didn't really want it anyway," James was muttering, pushing his dinner around with his fork. He hadn't even come to lunch.

"You flew really well," Peter insisted, and Remus and Sirius both nodded enthusiastically.

"And who knows?" Sirius pointed out. "Maybe Everett Lynch will fall off his broom and break an arm."

"Which Madame Pomfrey could mend in a heartbeat," James said gloomily.

"Right. Didn't think of that," Sirius lied.

"Who knows what could happen?" Peter said reasonably. "Someone could quit, couldn't they? Someone could get too overloaded on homework, or get sick, or just not want to do it anymore."

James looked slightly appalled at that last suggestion, but Remus had already taken up where Peter had left off.

"He's right," James," he said, reaching across him for the roast beef. His sleeve rid up to reveal a deep cut that had scabbed over, a souvenir from three nights earlier. "You're first reserve. You've still got a chance."

James didn't seem very heartened by their encouragement, and Sirius watched disappointedly as he tromped back upstairs that evening, going to bed extremely early once again.

He sighed and turned to Remus and Peter, both of whom were doing their homework. Perhaps it was Peter's inability to say no to anyone, but Remus somehow always seemed to persuade him to do his homework assignments way too early as well. Sirius didn't get it.

He surveyed his friends for a moment, bored, when he realized that something was off. Remus was determinedly not looking at him, and Peter kept glancing at him quickly, then looking away.

"What?" he said, but he got no answer. Peter's eyes merely widened slightly as he stared at his homework, and Remus's mouth tightened into a finer line. "_What?_" he repeated, exasperated.

"Nothing," Peter muttered, glancing up. Seeing Sirius's scowl, he quickly glanced down again. Remus, however, finally looked up and met his eyes. Sirius always got chills when he did that. Whenever Remus was _forcing_ himself to meet his eyes – and it was quite obvious when he was – his stare was unnaturally intense. It was a bit unnerving.

"It's just that," Remus began hesitantly, setting down his quill, "couldn't you try a little harder to at least _pretend_, Sirius?" He didn't say the words maliciously, but they still stung. Was he that transparent? "None of us particularly like James when he's obsessed and exhausted, but it's important to him. You won. He didn't make the team. At least try to feel a little bit sorry for him, could you?"

"I _do _feel sorry for him!" Sirius insisted, and Remus didn't argue. He just stared at him. Sirius had to look down, breaking that slightly intimidating gaze. "Fine," he muttered finally.

Remus nodded and turned back to his homework, and it quickly became apparent that nothing exciting was going to happen in the common room tonight. Reluctantly, he headed up the staircase.

The hangings around James's bed were drawn, and Sirius wasn't sure whether or not he was asleep. He changed into his pajamas, and looked awkwardly at where he knew James to be lying.

"Hey, mate?" he said, not really expecting a response. "I really am sorry you didn't make the team." He said it very quietly, and he had no idea if James could hear him, even if he was awake. He crawled into his own bed and stared up, feeling guilty.

He thought he had covered pretty well, pretending to be hopeful for James, but if Remus could tell, then he was sure James could too. James knew him much better than Remus did. On the other hand, Remus had a knack for seeing _everything_, and James _had_ been pretty distracted all day. There was no way to know without asking James, which he most certainly was not going to do.

Sirius rolled over and buried his head under his pillow. He fell asleep not liking himself very much.


	2. The Why of the What

Whether it was because James had been too distracted to notice Sirius's behavior, or because he had heard his apology that night, James did not seem bitter or cold towards Sirius after Saturday's Quidditch try-outs. He was quiet, and a bit distant, but he was that way toward Remus and Peter also. He spent far more time in the dormitory than usual, and stared out at the sky with a hard-to-read expression. Sirius tried to ignore the knots of guilt that always formed when saw James like this. After all, it wasn't _actually_ his fault that James hadn't made the team. All he was guilty of was not feeling too terribly supportive. Still, he wished there was some way to snap James out of it.

The plan occurred to him during class on Tuesday. As they all filed out, he grabbed Remus's arm, dropping back far enough that James and Peter couldn't hear.

"We've got to do something," he whispered, nodding at James. Remus frowned and nodded.

"I know, but short of actually kidnapping Everett Lynch, I don't really have any ideas."

"Now there's a thought," Sirius said, smiling, and Remus's expression went instantly from concerned to panicked.

"I didn't _mean_-" he began, but Sirius cut him off.

"I know you didn't," he said, rolling his eyes. "I already have a plan. What homework do we need to do tonight?"

Remus stared at him, utterly dumbfounded. "Homework?" he repeated blankly.

"Yes, homework. What's due tomorrow? Anything big?"

"Well, we have to prepare for Potions tomorrow-" he began before he was once again cut off by Sirius.

"Perfect!" he said delightedly.

"Preparing for Potions will make James feel better about not making the Quidditch team?" Remus clarified, still completely baffled.

"Don't be stupid," Sirius said dismissively. "We're not going to prepare for Potions!"

"Oh yes we are, Sirius," Remus said, and Sirius recognized that look. That was the look that said that Remus was going to fight him, that he was going to flat-out refuse to do whatever troublesome thing Sirius was suggesting.

"Just _listen_ to me," Sirius hissed, glancing up to make sure James still wasn't paying attention. "It'll only work if you do it!"

----------

As they all settled around a table in the common room that night, Sirius kept glancing at Remus. Remus hadn't liked the plan, but he had agreed to it in the end. Sirius had a deep suspicion that he was going to stay up all night preparing for class the next day anyway. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes and shake his head at the thought.

The other boys began pulling out their Potions books, but Sirius waited. He hadn't even brought his with him. He was staring hard at Remus, waiting. Remus kept giving him dirty looks. It wasn't until Sirius actually kicked him under the table that Remus, after kicking him back quite hard, finally made a move."

"You know," he said, trying to sound offhand. " We still haven't investigated where that secret passage goes." Sirius was thinking about his shin, which was throbbing where Remus had kicked him, when he remembered something that might create a problem with the plan.

Remus was an awful, awful liar. He had totally forgotten about that. All those lies about his sick grandmother and his clumsiness... it had been easy to catch him because he was so _damn bad at lying_. Sirius winced slightly at the realization. _Oh well_, he thought ruefully. _No way out now._

"You know, the one Sirius found at the end of last term?" Remus was saying, looking up from his book thoughtfully. He wasn't quite believable, but he did a better job than Sirius had anticipated.

"Are you suggesting...?" Peter began, looking slightly confused as Remus nodded, trying to look mischievous. He failed, and mostly just looked like he was grimacing. Beside him, Sirius heard James bust out laughing. _At least he's laughing. That's a good sign._

"Have I really been that awful?" he asked. "You had to get Moony here to suggest _not _doing homework in order to break the rules to try to make me feel better?"

Remus briefly met James's gaze, and shrugged sheepishly as he looked down. Sirius didn't even blink as James turned to him.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," he said loftily. "I mean, if Moony is willing to risk it, it's obviously for a good cause." He saw Remus crack a smile across the table. "Well?" he asked James. "What do you say? "

James leaned back in his chair, looking at each of them thoughtfully. "You mean it, Moony?" he asked, tilting his head as he looked at Remus. "You up for some late night exploring?"

"Yes." Sirius had to admire him for not hesitating. But then, Remus wouldn't have agreed to it if he hadn't meant it. Still, something of his reluctance showed on his face, and James saw it. He sighed, and leaned forward over his books again.

"Not tonight," he said, looking regretfully toward the portrait hole. "We have homework." There was an almost mocking tone in his voice as he smirked at Remus, whose smile looked relieved and grateful, if slightly embarrassed. "Soon, though," he said. "Soon."

----------

"Good call, James," Peter said cheerfully as they left Potions the following morning. "If we hadn't studied last night, I would have completely botched that. More than I already did, I mean." He frowned as he recalled his vividly purple Swelling Solution. Sirius would have laughed at him, but his own potion had been lilac, rather than light blue. Even James's had been an electric blue color. Apart from Remus, only Lily Evans and Severus Snape, her annoying Slytherin friend, had managed to create something that even remotely resembled the picture in the book. Sirius suspected that Evans had been helping Snape.

"Yeah well, you know me," James said flippantly, "ever the diligent student." Even though the scheme had not gone at all as Sirius had planned, apparently Remus's willingness to forego important homework had been enough to pull James out of his sulking stupor. He had been his normal, cheerful self all morning. Sirius was extremely relieved.

The boys were walking slightly faster to class than they usually did. They didn't mean to, but it was hard not to be eager to reach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Professor Dearborn was completely unlike any of the other teachers. The young man appeared to be only a few years out of Hogwarts, and had worked in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement before coming to teach. He wore his long black hair in a ponytail, allowing his brown eyes to comb the room as he lectured, and he spoke with a low, rich voice that commanded attention.

As always, the boys stopped speaking the moment they entered his classroom. Professor Dearborn was standing at the front of the class, waiting for the other students to arrive. The doorway seemed to have a silencing spell cast over it, effectively cutting short any conversation the moment the students walked into class.

"Today," Professor Dearborn began once everyone had arrived, "we're going to do something a little bit different. A practical lesson, if you will."

Sirius shifted forward in his seat. He could feel excitement buzzing through him. _A practical lesson?_ Was he actually going to let them _hex_ each other? Beside him, he saw James's mouth hanging open slightly, Peter's blue eyes opened wider than he had ever seen them, and Remus looking worriedly confused.

"But first," he said, holding up a hand as many of the students grabbed their wand, "we're going to talk about _why_. Without the _why_, the what does not matter. That is what makes this _Defense_ Against the Dark Arts."

Sirius tried to catch one of his friend's eyes, but they were all staring at Dearborn, completely transfixed.

"Can anyone tell me about the Silent Sorcerers? I assume you have studied them in your history of magic classes." His eyes fell on Remus's raised hand, and he nodded.

"The Silent Sorcerers were a group of wizards in the early 1900's. They were militant activists promoting an exclusively pure-blooded wizarding society," Remus said. His face was screwed up in concentration as he tried to remember details "They later joined Grindelwald as mercenaries. They were known for their speed and effectiveness, and also for their brutality." Remus looked uncomfortable and nervous, and Sirius wondered what kind of "brutality" these wizards were said to have committed. He didn't have to wonder for long.

"Absolutely correct. Ten points to Gryffindor." Dearborn seemed to allot the points as an afterthought. It appeared that he frequently got carried away with teaching, and forgot that he was a professor in a school, and was supposed to do things like give points to knowledgeable students. Whenever he _did_ award points, he always looked slightly uncomfortable, like he was trying to walk in shoes that weren't the right size for him.

"An example for you," Dearborn said, snapping back into teaching mode. "In 1921, a group of three wizards from the Silent Sorcerers showed up at a family's house on Christmas Eve. Ten people were there. Four adults, six children."

Sirius shuddered. _Children_. He already knew he wasn't going to like this story.

"One of the witches in the family was an auror named Cecilia Sinicky. She was active in fighting for muggleborn rights. She was not weak, or feeble, or cowardly. She had fought many, many great wizards, and come out victorious. The Silent Sorcerers were outnumbered, yet within two hours Sinicky had gone mad, and everyone else had been killed."

Dearborn stopped speaking, his eyes drifting over the class. Satisfied that he had everyone's attention, he continued.

"A wizard named Cygnus Bulstrode headed the group of Silent Sorcerers, and it was he who drove Sinicky mad. Can anyone guess what spell he used? What great curse he cast to bring down such a powerful witch?" The entire class seemed to be holding its breath, waiting.

"Petrificus Totalus," he said abruptly, taking in the surprised and confused looks on the students' faces. "He hardly needed to touch her. All he had to do was petrify her, then position her so that she was forced to watch as he killed her husband, her sister, and her sister's husband. As for what he did to her children and nephews..." repulsion and bitterness filled his voice. "I suppose _that_ lesson will come in the later years of your schooling."'

Sirius felt cold. He felt like his blood was ice, and his brain had stopped working properly. Like everyone else, he wondered what the hell had happened to those children, what could have been done to them to drive Cecilia Sinicky out of her mind. But as disturbing as that was, it was not the only reason for the horror in his mind. He was remembering a tapestry in his parents' house, with gold thread embroidered on it. He could remember as a child, too young to read, being held in his father's arms. He sat on his father's hip as the man gestured to the family tree, telling him about each of the names, about their proud family history. And in his mind's eye, he could see the name. He had seen it on the tapestry hundreds of times since then. _Cygnus Bulstrode._ His great-grandfather.

Sirius thought he might be sick, and wondered if there was any way to escape the room without drawing too much attention. But looking around, he saw that everyone was still staring at Dearborn, their rapt horror fading slightly as they listened to his instructions.

"There's no such thing as a pointless jinx, a worthless hex. It does not take an enormous amount of power to perform an enormous amount of evil. Likewise, it does not always require something grand and flashy to repel it. Now, everyone repeat after me: _Expelliarmus._"

"_Expelliarmus_," Sirius mumbled along with the rest of the class.

"Excellent. This spell will disarm your opponents. If performed properly, their wand will fly right out of their hand. Stand up, please." The students stood, and with a flick of his wand, Dearborn sent the desks zooming against the walls. "Now, pair up and try it."

"You okay?" Sirius looked up, startled, to see Remus studying his face carefully. "You look a little sick."

"I'm fine," he muttered, running his hand through his hair. The irony was not lost on him. How many times last year did Remus insist he wasn't sick, even though he looked like death?

As he and James found a spot where they hopefully wouldn't be hit by wayward disarming spells, Sirius tried to clear his mind.

_It isn't right_, he thought furiously. _He had no _right_ to do that to that woman! To those _children! _Things like that shouldn't happen!_"

Something shifted in his mind then. He wasn't like them. He wasn't like Cygnus Bulstrode. Suddenly the room came into focus again, and he found himself able to think straight. There was an angry monster in his chest, and there was no way to pacify it. The closest he could come to atoning for the deeds of his great-grandfather was to disarm the hell out of his best friend.

And he did. He got it right the very first time, James's face registering surprise as his wand flew to Sirius. And he did again. And again. In fact, by the end of class, James was starting to look annoyed. He had not successfully disarmed Sirius once.

"Black," Dearborn said as Sirius gathered up his bags. "May I speak to you for a moment?"

Sirius stayed behind, eying the professor warily. As much as he admired Dearborn, the man scared him a bit, and he wasn't excited about the idea of being left alone in a room with him. Dearborn was studying him thoughtfully.

"Your father is Orion Black, correct?" he said after a moment, and Sirius nodded, looking at the floor. "Orion Black who married Walburga Bulstrode." It wasn't a question that time. Sirius wondered when his shoes had gotten so worn out. They had a hole in the toe. The silence seemed to go on forever.

"You did very well today, Black," Dearborn said finally. "A great deal of enthusiasm. Quite intense for a classroom full of second years." Sirius understood from the tone that it was not meant to be a criticism. He finally looked up into the dark face of his teacher. His eyes were smiling. He glanced toward the door. "Now, I'm sure your entourage is waiting for you." He nodded at Sirius, and Sirius understood himself to be dismissed.

"Black?" Dearborn said, just before Sirius reached the door. "I didn't ask you to stay behind because it matters to me," he said. "I asked you to stay behind because I could see that it matters a great deal to you."

Sirius wasn't sure what to say to that, so he settled for, "See you Friday, Professor," and left the room.

His friends were indeed waiting in the hallway, glancing at him worriedly as he walked out. He flashed them a bright smile, hoping it would deter any questions. He had no idea what to make of Dearborn's comments, but he had no intention of reliving them with his friends.

"So what did Dearborn want?" James asked immediately.

"He just wanted to tell me that I did well in class today," Sirius said, smirking at James. James glowered at him.

"You could have at least given me a _chance_," he grumbled, and Sirius laughed.

"I saw you two." Remus was trying not to laugh. "I have to say, it appeared that Sirius came out a bit better." James shouldered Remus, sending him into the wall as they laughed. Sirius laughed with them, but in the back of his mind he still saw the gold thread on the tapestry.

----------

_Author's Note: If anyone could recommend some good Marauder fanfics for me, I would be extremely grateful. I have not had the best of luck in my searches._

_Now, there are a couple of reviews I want to address directly... (I promise I'll try not to make a habit of this)_

_Kep – I love Remus _**so **_very much that I was afraid that if I wrote it from his POV again, I would overload the reader on angst and sympathy. While _**I**_ never get tired of _"Woe is me, for I am a werewolf," _not everyone else feels the same. :) I was also afraid of running out of storyline. I have a tentative, if overly-ambitious, plan to write all seven years, assuming life gives me the free time to do so. In that case, Remus will most certainly have more turns at the forefront._

_silmirof4077 – If you happen to be reading this, thank for so much for your review on One Year. As stupid as it sounds, I am incredibly insecure about my sentence structures, and your review totally made my week._


	3. Talking to Girls

Sirius's eyes flew open, panicked, and he realized he was gasping for breath. It was dark all around him. _Is this part of the curse? Some new form of torture? _Even as the thought crossed his mind, reality began to creep in, pushing the dream out, and he felt a flash of relief. But no... he _really _couldn't move. His arms and legs really _were _trapped to his sides. The panic and adrenaline was renewed, and he began struggling, began fighting the curse again...

"_Stop it_, Sirius!" an alarmed voice said.

"I can't move," he gasped, still trying to force his limbs free. "I can't save them!"

"_It's not real_! Now stop thrashing around so I can get you out of this!"

_Remus. _It was Remus. Sirius relaxed weakly against the floor, every ounce of energy instantly seeping out of him as he finally realized where he was. He had rolled off his bed during the nightmare, and was now lying on the floor. He couldn't move because his bedcovers were tangled around him.

He was shaking as Remus helped extract him from the blankets. Finally free, he sat down on the side of his bed with his face in his hands. He knew that within a few minutes the nightmare would fade. He just needed not to think about it.

"That's the fifth time in the past two weeks," Remus said quietly, watching him. Sirius nodded, though Remus wasn't entirely correct. It had been nearly every night for the past two weeks. It was merely the fifth time that he had made enough noise to wake Remus. One night he had woken all of his friends, screaming in his sleep. He had laughed it off the next day, and James and Peter had laughed with him. Only Remus had watched him worriedly. Sirius was grateful that, as far as he could tell, he had not mentioned the repeated nightmares to the others.

"What was it?" Until now, he had refrained from asking this question, but Sirius had known it would come eventually.

"I don't remember," he said, not looking up. It was only a half-lie. The dream was already fuzzy and indistinct, but he knew the gist of it.

"Is it the same every time?" Remus asked, sitting down next to him on the bed. Sirius started to repeat that he didn't remember, but Remus clearly hadn't bought that. He hesitated, then nodded.

"More or less," he admitted quietly. His heart rate was slowing to normal. "Sorry to wake you again, Moony," he said, standing up and turning his attention to his bed. Silently, Remus helped him put the covers back on, and handed him his pillow from off of the floor.

"Thanks." Sirius crawled back into bed. Remus hesitated only a moment, then turned back towards his own bed.

"Goodnight, Sirius," he said, his voice full of quiet concern.

"Goodnight, Remus."

-----------

"Studying hard?" Sirius asked with a smirk, throwing a wad of paper at his friend. It bounced off of Remus's forehead and onto his textbook. James and Peter glanced up, both grinning as they caught sight of the expression on Sirius's face.

"_No_," Remus said firmly, frowning and throwing the paper back at him.

"You're _not_ studying hard?" James asked in mock surprise.

"No, we're not going to do whatever it is you think we're going to do. I'm working on my essay."

"We can finish later, can't we?" Peter said, pushing his parchment away from him. "I've only got a few inches left, and it isn't due for a couple more days."

"And it looks like you already have an inch more than you need." James rolled his eyes as he peered over Remus's shoulder.

"That passageway has been patiently waiting all term," Sirius said. "It _needs_ to be explored!"

"And my dad's cloak has been sitting in the bottom of my trunk for weeks, just waiting to be used!" James glanced excitedly towards the staircase.

"I'm _working_," Remus groaned, and Sirius grinned.

"He's in," he said, and James promptly leapt up and ran to retrieve the cloak. Sirius knew Remus well enough to read his protests. He had _actual_ protests, that needed to be argued and shot down. He had protests that lacked conviction, that said that he was just waiting to be persuaded. Then there were the defeated protests, that weren't really protests at all, but simply resigned laments.

"You barely put a fight," Peter looked slightly surprised.

"I'm learning how to pick my battles," Remus smiled wryly. "A night like tonight, I know you'll wear me down until I give in anyway. But next week-" he turned a stern glare to Sirius, "I am working on that History of Magic essay. No arguments."

"No arguments," Sirius agreed cheerfully. "Let's go." He stood and headed to the staircase. "We can't exactly put the cloak on in the middle of the common room, can we?"

Sirius felt the rush of excitement, the surge of adrenaline as they followed Remus out of the portrait hole. They had decided that the best way to get out without drawing attention was to have Remus open the door. He was the least likely to raise suspicion. As soon as they were outside, James lifted the edge of the cloak and Remus slipped underneath it with them.

Sirius loved the castle at night. Hogwarts was big, and he had never known a place that just _felt_ so intensely magical. At night, it was all his. He was free. There was no one to see him, no one to frown disapprovingly at him, no one to tell him what to do.

"Sirius, slouch down some. You're too tall, and there are four of us. I'm not sure the cloak is covering our feet."

Well, no one but Moony.

"There's no one here to see us," he whispered, but he crouched down obligingly anyway.

The passageway had been his accidental discovery the year before. It had sloped downward, and Sirius suspected that it headed down into the dungeons somewhere. _Perhaps it's a secret entrance into the storeroom!_ He smiled as he thought about all the things they could do with unlimited access to _all _the ingredients that Slughorn kept.

"This it?" Peter whispered as they approached the statue of the hump-backed witch.

"Yeah, this is it."

"So, where exactly is it?" James asked, frowning. He pulled the cloak off and walked around, peering at the back of the statue.

"It's _in_ the hump," Sirius explained, and with a flourish of his wand, said "_Dissendium!_" His friends spent a moment staring appreciatively down the tunnel.

"Let's go!" James stuffed the cloak under his arm, and without waiting for anyone else, slid into the passage. Sirius ushered Remus and Peter in, sliding down last.

Wands lit, the four friends proceeded slowly. Sirius was hoping that perhaps the passage forked, and actually led to an entire system of underground passages below the castle. Unfortunately, the tunnel was straight and the walls were smooth. Remus was walking just behind James, looking around cautiously, on the alert for anything strange. James was leading the way, rather restlessly. He kept taking several quick steps, then stopping to wait impatiently for the others. Peter looked slightly nervous, but he also had an excited grin.

"I don't think this leads to anywhere in the castle," Remus said after several minutes. "I'm not even sure it leads to anywhere on the grounds. We've been walking for a while now."

"You think it leads into Hogsmeade?" James asked hopefully, and Remus shrugged.

"Maybe. Let's find out," he said, gesturing; they had just reached the end of the tunnel.

"Sirius?" James asked, raising his eyebrows. "Would you like to do the honors?"

Sirius grinned, and pushed his way to the front. All four of them extinguished their wands, and with James's help, he pushed the trapdoor open and climbed up.

He blinked, trying to adjust to the complete and total darkness. He felt slightly nervous. He didn't like not knowing where he was, being unable to see anything. It was incredibly disconcerting.

"Where are you?" Peter whispered from below him.

"Not sure yet," Sirius murmured, turning around. He was in a room, and his eyes could make out square shapes all around him. Reaching out and feeling one of them, he confirmed that they were wooden crates.

"Light your wand," James urged.

"I don't want to yet," Sirius said as quietly as he could. "I don't know if there's anyone else here."

He heard someone trying to crawl through the trapdoor, and he reached down and helped Remus up.

"There's no one here," Remus said after a second. "_Lumos._"

"How do you know?" Sirius hissed, his hand flying out and covering the tip of Remus's wand.

"Can't you tell?" Remus sounded surprised.

"What do you mean?" Sirius was still scanning the room, searching for any sign of movement. "How can _you_ tell?"

He hesitated, then sounding distinctly uncomfortable, simply said, "I just can."

James chuckled behind him, and Sirius jumped. He hadn't even heard him and Peter climb into the room. "Can you _smell _people, Moony?"

"No," Remus muttered unconvincingly. He pulled his wand out of Sirius's hand and stepped forward into the room. "We're in some kind of cellar or storeroom," he said. By the light of his wand, Sirius saw that the dusty floor was covered in stacks of crates.

"I think it's a candy shop!" Peter said. He had lit his own wand and was studying one of the crates. "Says here that these are Chocolate Frogs."

"_Excellent_!" James breathed, staring around the room in awe. "We must be in Honeydukes!"

"Honeydukes?" Peter repeated inquisitively.

"The sweets store in Hogsmeade," James explained. "It's supposed to be absolutely incredible."

"An unlimited supply of free candy!" Sirius realized gleefully.

"_Sirius!_" Remus sounded horrified. "We can't just break in here and take things! It's stealing!"

"Yeah, but if we take candy and leave money behind, that's not wrong, is it?" James said reasonably. "I mean, we can't actually buy the candy in the store until next year, because we can't go to Hogsmeade. This is the only way we can get the stuff!"

"Yeah, how can it be stealing if we're leaving money for it?" Sirius agreed enthusiastically.

Remus was still frowning. "Did anyone actually bring any money with them?" Peter, James and Sirius looked at each other guiltily.

"Well, not tonight," Sirius admitted.

"We'll pay for it next time," James said, lifting the lid on the crate of Chocolate Frogs.

"_No_," Remus insisted. "We are not taking anything without paying for it."

James looked longingly into the crate. "Come on, Remus. It's just one Chocolate Frog!"

"_No_!" Remus leaned over and slammed the lid shut. The sound reverberated throughout the cellar, and Peter jumped backwards in surprise, bumping into another pile of crates. Three of them fell over, crashing onto the floor and spilling sweets everywhere. As the echoes of the crash faded, Sirius saw his own alarm mirrored in three faces. Wordlessly, they all bent down and began scooping up the candy and putting it back in the correct crates.

"Perhaps it's time to go," James suggested quietly once the last of the sweets had been put away. No one argued.

The walk back was slightly tense, partly because everyone was nervous about the noise they had made, unsure if anyone would be able to tell they had been there, but mostly because of Remus. He was refusing to meet anyone's eyes, his expression alternating between stubborn and worried. As James threw the cloak back over them in the corridor beside the statue of the witch, no one looked very excited or adventurous, and they made the entire walk back to Gryffindor Tower in silence.

"Lighten up, Moony," James said as they got ready for bed. "It wasn't so bad, was it? We didn't get caught, and now we know a secret way into Hogsmeade!"

"Right," Remus said, smiling stiffly.

"Ahh," James said, nodding wisely. He turned to Sirius and Peter. "He thinks he made us mad because he made noise, and wouldn't let us take any of the sweets."

"That's Remus," Sirius said, shaking his head in mock disappointment. "Completely unreasonable, not letting us steal shamelessly." Remus smiled uncertainly at them.

"I didn't mean to be-" he began, but Peter interrupted him.

"No one is mad at you, Moony."

"Besides," Sirius said gravely, "I have a very important question that only you can answer."

"Only I can answer?" Remus repeated, curious and skeptical.

"Yes you, Moony. Me, James and Peter – who smells the worst?"

"I can't smell people!" Remus insisted again, and now in the bright light of the dormitory, it was easy to see his face turn red as he said it.

"So how did you know the cellar was empty?" Peter asked with a smirk.

"I didn't realize-" Remus began, blushing brighter by the moment. "I mean, I thought everyone could tell when people are around." His voice lowered to a nearly inaudible mutter. "I didn't know it was a wolf thing."

"Is it just smell?" Sirius asked, interested. "Or can you hear things too?"

"I really don't know," Remus said. His golden eyes looked both baffled and surprised, as though he had never considered it.

"What about sight? Do you see things normal?"

"I don't _know_, Peter!" Remus sounded slightly annoyed now. "I don't really have anything to compare it to now, do I?"

"But honestly," James insisted as he climbed into bed. "Who smells worst?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Goodnight, James."

"Oh, come on!"

"Tell us!"

"We won't get mad! Promise!"

"_Good night_."

----------

Once a week, James went out and practiced with the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and the members of the team often greeted him in the hallways and the common room. As the entire team was composed of students in fourth year or above, this gave him a rare social advantage. James was already rather well known and popular among students his own age, but fraternizing with the team made him even cooler in the eyes of his classmates.

"You know Michael Davies?" a first year girl asked him in awe one day during breakfast. The Quidditch captain was walking away, having just discussed the practice schedule with James.

"What?" James asked, surprised. "Oh, Mike? Yeah, I know him."

The girl was still staring at him dreamily as the four boys walked away from the table.

"I think she likes you, James," Peter said, smirking. To Sirius's disbelief, James turned slightly pink.

"Are you _blushing_?" Sirius demanded incredulously, grabbing James's shoulder and spinning him around to face him. "I can't believe this! You're actually blushing!"

James turned even redder and shoved him away. "Shut up," he muttered.

Sirius had seen Peter and Remus blush countless times, but never James. James was never anything but calm and collected.

"Do you like her?" Remus asked as the three of them exchanged knowing smiles.

"No!" James exclaimed. "Of course not! I don't even know her!"

As the term went on, it seemed that James spent more and more time talking to girls he didn't know. Sometimes complete strangers giggled when they passed, waving at James. He always waved back, looking slightly awkward.

"I'm not sure where they all come from," he muttered one day as they walked down the hallway. "And sometimes they talk to me like I should know them, but I could swear I've never seen them before."

"Psst!" They turned to see a curly-haired girl gesturing to Sirius. "Come here!"

Bemused, Sirius turned to his friends, who shrugged, looking every bit as clueless as he felt. Hesitantly, he walked over to the girl.

"You're Sirius Black, right?" she asked, glancing over his shoulder at James.

"Uh, yeah," Sirius said. "Who are you?"

"Gabrielle," she said. "Gabrielle Hopkirk. And over there is Emma Dodderidge."

Sirius looked where she was pointing. A pretty, dark-haired girl was surrounded by a giggling cluster of friends. She was watching them hopefully.

"Oh," Sirius said. He had no idea what else to say.

"Well, Emma wanted me to tell you to tell James Potter that she thinks he's cute."

It took Sirius a moment to process this information. "What?" he repeated, looking back and forth from his confused, impatient friends to the giggling, excited girls. "She wants me to tell James...?"

"That she thinks he's cute," Gabrielle said, nodding. She looked at him expectantly. "So?"

"So what?" Sirius asked stupidly.

"So will you tell him?" She grinned and flipped her blond hair.

"Yeah, sure. Emma, right?"

"Yes. Emma Dodderidge."

Gabrielle Hopkirk gave him one last giggly smile, and flounced back to her friends. As soon as she reached them, they all leaned in to hear what had happened, and began giggling with renewed enthusiasm.

"What on earth was that all about?" Peter asked as Sirius rejoined them. "What's so funny?"

Sirius smirked at James. "Gabrielle Hopkirk told me to tell you that Emma Dodderidge thinks you're cute," he said, unable to keep the mocking note out of his voice.

James's head whipped around to look at the girls. "Who? Which one is she?"

"I'm thinking the one in the middle, smiling at you," Remus said.

"She's not bad looking, James," Peter said, raising his eyebrows thoughtfully.

"Right," James said awkwardly, swallowing. "Right." He looked at each of them in turn, looking slightly panicked. "What do I do?"

"Right now, you go to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Remus said reasonably. "I've never seen someone be late to Dearborn's class before, but I have a feeling he won't like it."

Sirius felt a bit of alarm at the thought. "Right. Let's go."

They were halfway down the hallway when a voice called after them, "Sirius! Wait!"

He turned to see Gabrielle hurrying towards him again. Rolling his eyes, he walked back to meet her.

"What?"

"Well? What did he say?" she demanded expectantly. The group of girls down the hallway hadn't moved, and Sirius could feel them all staring at him.

"Nothing," Sirius said, shrugging.

"What do you mean, 'nothing'? Does _he_ think _she's_ cute?" She looked mildly annoyed.

"I really don't know, Gabrielle," he said, edging back towards his waiting friends. "Look, I've got to go. I'm going to be late for class."

He practically sprinted back to them. "Go! Quick! Before she comes back!"

James didn't need any encouraging. The two of them led the way as they rushed to Dearborn's class. Once inside the classroom and in their seats, James turned and stared at them with a dazed, frightened expression. He leaned toward them, glancing up quickly at Dearborn, who hadn't yet begun class.

"What do I _do_?" he hissed.

"You could try talking to her," Remus said, a small smile on his face.

"Right. Talk to her," James muttered. "I can do that. Talk to her." He looked slightly green.

----------

_Author's Note: I have to admit, y'all, it's a lot harder writing from Sirius's POV. I'm having a hard time balancing good times and angst. Reviews are always helpful, but I would especially appreciate them now. Please let me know what is working and what isn't. Also, I wanted to let you all know that I'm writing longer chapters rather than writing multiple chapters, and posting them all in a row. If you have a preference of more shorter chapters vs. fewer longer chapters, let me know. If you really don't care, then we're in the same boat.  
_


	4. A Black Christmas

Sirius could remember one night during his first weeks at Hogwarts when he had lain in bed, unable to sleep. In the distance he had heard an animal howling faintly, and he hadn't been able to tell if it had sounded angry or pained. Remembering that all kinds of vicious beasts supposedly lived in the Forbidden Forest, Sirius had shuddered at the howling, thinking of quintapeds and werewolves.

Tonight he was listening to the howling again. He had no idea what it was. He knew, of course, that it was completely impossible that he could hear Remus in the Shrieking Shack all the way up here, at the top of Gryffindor Tower. Most likely, it really was some strange creature in the forest. Still, he didn't liked hearing the sound when Remus wasn't in the room at night. Sirius never slept well at the full moon anyway. None of them did.

Sighing, he rolled over and punched his pillow. Truthfully, he didn't really _want _to fall asleep. The sooner he fell asleep, the sooner he would wake up, and the sooner he woke up, the sooner he would be on his way back home. All the tinsel and mistletoe in the world couldn't make Number Twelve Grimmauld Place festive. To make matters worse, his cousins were coming to spend Christmas Day with them.

Sirius had _tried _to get out of going home. He had asked his parents to let him stay at Hogwarts. Remus was staying, and Sirius thought it would be fun to roam the near-empty school with his friend, but his parents had insisted that he spend the holidays with family. He had even appealed to Dumbledore, but the headmaster had said, with great sympathy and sadness in his eyes, that he had no right to keep a child at school against his parents' wishes, and that he was afraid he could not help Sirius. Sirius scowled as he remembered the conversation. Personally, he thought that as the most powerful wizard in the world, Dumbledore could do whatever he wanted.

----------

"Emma wants to know if James will write to her during the holiday," a bored voice said from behind Sirius as he dragged his trunk down the hallway. He turned to see Gabrielle, her curly hair tied back with red and green ribbon.

James had finally found the nerve to ask the pretty girl out. Now he was occasionally dragged off to the Hufflepuff table for meals, usually demanding that Sirius come with him, and he sometimes walked Emma to her classes. For the most part, however, he avoided the girl, and the majority of the communication between Emma and James continued to take place through Gabrielle and Sirius. Gabrielle had long since quit giggling when she came to talk to Sirius and now seemed as annoyed with the whole arrangement as he was.

"I'll ask him," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Want help with your trunk?" she offered.

"No, I've got it." Like he would really let a girl help him carry his trunk. "Where's yours?"

"Oh, I'm staying here for the holidays," she said. "My family doesn't really do Christmas."

"Doesn't do Christmas?" he repeated, baffled. As they walked down the hallway, Gabrielle started to explain something about muggle religion and commercialism, but seeing his blank expression she just rolled her eyes and said, "We just don't celebrate it, that's all."

They had reached a doorway, and Sirius turned to drag his trunk downstairs.

"I'll see you later, Gabrielle," he said. "Have a good holi -"

He stopped. Gabrielle had turned her gaze to something over his head, her face unreadable. With a sense of dread, Sirius looked up. Just as he had feared. Mistletoe. He looked back at Gabrielle, who smiled at him, stood on her tiptoes, and kissed him.

"Merry Christmas, Sirius," she said. "See you when you get back."

She had kissed him. She had _kissed _him!

"What do you mean she _kissed_ you?" James demanded a few minutes later. He and Peter had been waiting for Sirius in the entrance hall.

"I mean she kissed me," he repeated dazedly.

"Like a kiss, or like a _kiss_ kiss?" Peter asked.

James, who was looking mildly offended, didn't give him a chance to answer. "I have a _girlfriend_, and I didn't get a kiss!" he exclaimed indignantly.

"Tough luck, mate," Sirius said, suddenly realizing that he was grinning like an idiot. He quickly tried to put on a more casual expression. Peter snickered beside him, and Sirius wondered whether he was laughing at him or at James. "Oh, and Emma wants to know if you're going to write her over the holiday."

James's sulk gave way to an annoyed grimace.

----------

Maybe if he didn't talk to anyone and he didn't make eye contact, he would become invisible.

No one had looked at him for more than a second since his relatives had arrived. They even avoided touching him. Whereas his mother and Regulus got hugs from everyone, most of them passed by Sirius as though he wasn't there. Only his Aunt Druella had briefly grabbed him in a one-armed hug when she came in, letting go as quickly as possible, as though touching him had burned her.

Now his family talked and laughed as they passed dishes around the table. Mead and firewhiskey had helped to put everyone into a joyful holiday spirit. It occurred to Sirius in the back of his mind that it really was a quite normal family Christmas. Everyone seemed happy and amicable, sitting in their dress robes around the feast. Even Bella looked rather pretty in a red dress, and Aunt Druella was wearing a Father Christmas hat.

Sirius had managed to snag a seat next to Cissy, far away from Bella. He could handle silent snootiness more easily than constant taunts and insults. Cissy had barely even looked at him as he sat down, so his plan to be invisible seemed to be working well.

It worked well all through the main course and halfway through dessert. They discussed a new bill about discrimination of muggleborns in the workplace and they spent some time heartily abusing Andromeda, who had not been invited to the festivities. They asked Cissy how she was enjoying her first year at Hogwarts. They spoke with Bella about what she planned to do after she finished school in May and were delighted that she expressed interest in a group called the "Death Eaters." Through all of this, Sirius didn't say a word.

"So, Sirius," Uncle Cygnus finally said. _Cygnus_. Named after Sirius's great-grandfather. He scowled. "You've been very quiet tonight."

Short answers. Short answers, and maybe they would leave him alone.

"How are you liking Hogwarts?" Incredibly, Uncle Cygnus looked almost kind as he asked it.

"It's good," Sirius said stiffly, shoveling an extremely large bite of pudding into his mouth.

"I'd say he likes it an awful lot," Bella said smugly. Sirius froze. In thirteen years, he had never known that smile to mean anything good.

"Why do you say that?" Sirius's mother asked, looking back and forth between Sirius and Bella questioningly.

"Sirius has a _girlfriend_." It was Cissy's laughing voice this time.

Sirius felt himself turning pink, but he also felt a wave of relief. He had feared something far worse.

"She's not really my girlfriend," he said, staring at his plate.

"I saw them kissing in the hallway," Cissy said. The adults were all snickering and exchanging knowing looks with each other.

"Kissing her in the hallway, eh?" his father said, and he sounded almost proud. "So what's her name, Sirius?"

"Gabrielle," he muttered. "And we had to kiss. There was mistletoe." The laughter around the table was a little louder this time.

"What's her surname?" his dad asked. He was nearly smiling as he took a bite of pudding.

"Hopkirk," he answered.

The laughter faded, replaced by several bemused looks.

"Hopkirk?" Aunt Druella repeated, frowning as she thought. "I don't think I know any Hopkirks."

Sirius saw the elated expression on Bella's face, and suddenly he knew exactly where this conversation was heading.

"What do her parents do?" his mother asked. The puzzlement was giving way to wariness.

"I'm really not sure," Sirius admitted, once again stuffing as much pudding into his mouth as he could.

"Her sister, Mafalda, is in my year," Cissy said, barely containing her glee. She paused for a moment for dramatic effect, and Sirius thought, _Please don't say it, Cissy! Please don't say it!_

"They're _mudbloods_."

Bella's shoulders shook with laughter as the entire table stared at Cissy silently. The looks ranged from confusion to horror to...

_Fury._

"Sirius," his father said with quiet coldness. "Could you please step with me into the drawing room?"

"Orion," Aunt Druella said softly, still looking slightly confused by the news. "I'm sure-"

"I'll handle it, Druella," Sirius's father said icily.

Setting down his spoon and standing slowly, Sirius followed his father into the other room.

His face went through a series of bizarre contortions before he finally found his voice. "You kissed a mudblood?" he spat and for a moment, Sirius considered denying it.

"I didn't know she was a mudblood," he said weakly, ignoring the way his stomach recoiled in revulsion when he said the word. He would worry about that guilt later. "I don't exactly take a poll of everyone I meet, Dad-"

"_LOOK AROUND YOU!"_ His father interrupted, roaring. "Look around, Sirius! This is your _family_! Pure blood! We are one of the _oldest _pureblood families!

"I don't care," Sirius whispered. He had never seen quite that look in his father's eyes before, and he found he was scared. He didn't want to prove his point or win the fight. He just wanted to get away.

"You should be _proud_! The heritage, the legacy! This family represents something noble and you're just throwing it away! Gryffindor House, friends with mudbloods, _kissing _mudbloods! What can I do to make you see that you're better than that? What can I do to make you see what you're _wasting_ on these... these..." his father fumbled, seemingly unable to come up with a word that fully captured his disgust and loathing.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw a flash of blonde at the door. So Cissy was eavesdropping. He felt his rage return, along with a strange determination and calmness. Turning his focus back to his father, he fought the urge to take a step back as he saw the look in his eyes. It wasn't just the anger that he had seen there so often before. It was hatred.

"Maybe I don't want to be better than that," Sirius said, his voice hard. He looked around the room disdainfully, taking in all the relics and heirlooms that his father was so proud of. "Maybe I want to be better than _this_. Not that that would be much to brag about."

He shouldn't have been surprised when the back of his father's hand made contact with his face, nearly knocking him to the ground, but he was. His father had never struck him before, but Sirius had known it would come, sooner or later. He had been toeing that line since last summer and had known that eventually his father would have had enough.

He looked up at his father, whose face held no trace of remorse, and even though Orion Black was still a good foot taller than his son, Sirius drew himself up to his full height and did his best to look his father in the face as an equal.

"I'm leaving."

Only the tiniest flicker of surprise flashed through his father's eyes. Otherwise, his expression didn't change. Sirius stepped around him and raced up the steps to his bedroom. He threw the few things he had bothered unpacking back into his trunk, and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

"Sirius." Cissy was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs, wringing her hands. She looked like she had been crying. "Sirius, I'm sorry, I didn't realize Uncle Orion would-"

But Sirius just gave her a brief, scathing look before shoving her aside. He didn't look at the rest of his family as he passed the dining room, and he didn't look back as he stepped into the fireplace and said, "Gryffindor Tower."

----------

Remus wasn't in the common room, nor was he in the dormitory. That meant he almost had to be in the library. After hauling his trunk upstairs, Sirius set out in search of him. Perhaps they could go to Honeydukes or try to sneak into the Slytherin common room. He'd found a spell that he thought he could tweak to make a chair tap-dance whenever someone tried to sit in it. Even if they couldn't get into the Slytherin common room, it still might be entertaining to do it to all the chairs in a classroom...or maybe just the _teacher's_ chair...

"Sirius?" He spun around, but it was Gabrielle, not Remus who was walking toward him. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for Remus," he said. "You seen him?"

"He's still down at the feast. It's just ending," she said.

_The feast_. Of course. Sirius had forgotten that it was Christmas.

Gabrielle stopped, her eyes widening as she got close enough to really see him. "What happened to your face?" she asked in alarm.

He reached up and winced as his hand brushed the spot where his father had hit him.

"Nothing," he said, edging away from her. "I'm going to go find Remus."

"Wait," she said, walking up to him. "What are you doing here? I thought you went home for the holidays."

She was standing right in front of him now. Strange, the fight had started because he had kissed her, yet the actual act of kissing her had slipped his memory. She looked very pretty, her green jumper matching her eyes.

"I came back early," he said.

"Why?" She looked genuinely concerned, her eyes constantly darting to the bruise on his cheek.

"Fight with my dad," he admitted reluctantly. "I thought it might be best to just come back for the rest of the holiday."

Oh," she said, frowning. "It must have been a really bad fight."

"Yeah, it was pretty bad." She was standing funny, all of her weight shifted forward on her toes. Sirius realized she was trying to decide whether or not to hug him. He offered her a small smile and that was enough. She reached up and put her arms around him, and he wrapped his arms around her waist. _She's willing to touch me, _he thought, remembering the way Aunt Druella had pulled away, and his arms tightened without him meaning for them to. Her hair was right by his face, and he thought she smelled nice.

He wondered... would she let him? She had kissed him before, and now she was hugging him...

He pulled back slightly and looked down at her. Before he lost his nerve, he leaned down and kissed her. He was relieved that she didn't pull away. He remembered Peter's question. _Was it a kiss, or a _kiss_ kiss_?

He made sure this one was a _kiss_ kiss.

----------

"May I come in, Sirius?"

Sirius looked up to see Professor Dumbledore standing in the doorway of the dormitory. Sirius was lying on his bed, waiting for Remus to come back. He hadn't gone to find him at the feast as he had originally planned. Instead, he had come back to the dormitory to relive the five minutes he had spent kissing Gabrielle Hopkirk.

"Of course," Sirius said, sitting up hastily. Dumbledore entered and sat down on James's bed, studying him thoughtfully.

"Generally," he began gently, "when a student goes home for the holidays, they do not come back until the holiday is over."

Sirius remembered now that he had _asked_ Dumbledore if he could stay and Dumbledore had expressly told him that he could not. Not without his parents' permission, anyway. He wondered if Dumbledore would send him home. If he did, perhaps he could find a way to get to the Potters... but he dismissed the thought as soon as it entered his head. His family was embarrassing enough compared to James's. He didn't think he could face showing up on his doorstep. Somehow it seemed much less cowardly to return to Hogwarts than it would to be to run away to his best friend's house.

"How did you know I was back?" he asked, not meeting Dumbledore's eyes. Instead, he stared at the pirate hat that Dumbledore was wearing in place of his usual wizard's one.

"We monitor the floo network, Sirius," he said, smiling slightly. "We can't very well have just anyone coming in and out of the school at any given time, now can we?"

"No, I suppose not," Sirius admitted, still staring at the hat.

"I believe I told you that you could not stay at Hogwarts without your parents' permission. Correct?" Sirius nodded. "And have you received your parents permission?"

"Yes," Sirius said immediately. His gaze flitted from the hat to Dumbledore's piercing blue eyes. "Well, not exactly," he admitted. "They know where I am though."

"You told them you were turning to Hogwarts?" Dumbledore clarified.

"Not exactly," he said again, grudgingly. "I just told them I was leaving. But I'm sure they know I'm here. I mean, where else would I go?" The last sentence sounded far more pathetic out loud than it had in his head, and he flinched. Dumbledore may have noticed, because he smiled kindly.

"You are, of course, always welcome at Hogwarts, Sirius," Dumbledore said. "I shall write to your parents and verify that it is all right for you to remain here." He surveyed Sirius for a long time before he continued, and Sirius saw his eyes rest on his right cheek, which was a rather impressive purple color.

"Now," Dumbledore continued. "Did you get a chance to eat before you left your parents' house? We have more than enough leftovers from the feast, and I'm sure we can persuade the house elves to send you some."

Even though Sirius _had_ eaten, his stomach was growling again. "That would be nice," he said gratefully. Dumbledore smiled warmly at him.

"Enjoy the rest of your holiday, Sirius," he said gently. It wasn't until after he had gone that Sirius realized Dumbledore had never asked him _why _he had returned to Hogwarts in the middle of Christmas Day.

----------

_Author's Note: Before I am bombarded with corrections, I _know_ that Sirius does not run away until he is 16. Have patience, my little grasshoppers._

_Love and cookies for Confusedknight, my wonderful beta._


	5. Overheard

Sirius had not understood why James so often appeared annoyed at the mention or appearance of Emma. Now, however, he was catching on.

"I don't understand why _I_ have to do it," he grumbled to his friends after they had dropped Emma, Gabrielle, and their friends off at Transfiguration. "She has two arms. I see absolutely no reason why she can't carry her own damn books."

Next to him, Remus and Peter were snickering. They found the whole thing very entertaining.

"Shut up," James muttered, scowling at them. "You know, Sirius, you ought to just dump her." He said it casually, even sympathetically and Sirius glared at him.

They had quickly realized that if _one _of them dumped their girlfriend, it would be very easy for the second one to follow suit. They could simply blame it on the awkwardness that resulted from their friends breaking up. Unfortunately, neither of them were willing to go first.

As soon as they walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts, Sirius quit brooding. This was the one class that he really tried hard in. Everyone liked the class because it was interesting and exciting. Sirius, however, had other motivations for his effort. Dearborn had not singled him out once in the months since he had asked about Sirius's family, but sometimes Sirius caught him watching him with an interest that he did not show in the other students. He didn't know if Dearborn judged him based on his family, but he felt a determination to prove to the teacher that he was not like them.

As the last of the students arrived, Sirius unrolled a piece of parchment to take notes, something he only did in this class. Strangely, a few minutes into class, his notes disappeared.

_I'm craving sugar._

What the hell? He stared at the paper in utter confusion.

_I'm thinking it's time for a journey into Hogsmeade._

Sirius glanced to his right. James was grinning at him, and raised his eyebrows questioningly. Sirius looked down at the parchment and then wrote back.

_Where the hell are my notes?!_

James snickered slightly, causing Dearborn to glance at him. He quickly put on a deliberate expression of mild interest.

_They'll come back when I take the charm off. Handy charm, isn't it?_

_Anyway, what do you say? Honeydukes tonight?_

Sirius glanced at him and nodded. They needed to have some fun, far away from any girls.

----------

"I still think we should wait a couple more hours," Remus murmured worriedly. "What if the owners are still there?"

"They won't be," Sirius said carelessly. At least, he _hoped_ they wouldn't be. Granted, they were embarking on their nighttime exploring a little earlier than usual, but he was going crazy with restlessness and he could tell that James was feeling the same way. Something about the suffocating existence of a thirteen-year-old girlfriend just demanded reckless behavior.

"I'm not sure we really need the cloak," Peter whispered as they crept through the castle, and Sirius realized he was right. There were plenty of students still roaming the halls, and if they were heard and got caught under the cloak it would raise suspicion. Sirius was just about to agree with Peter when they heard some voices around the next corner.

"What about Sirius Black?" a giggling voice asked, and Sirius stopped in his tracks, forcing his friends to stop with him.

"He _has_ a girlfriend," another girl said.

"Yes, but I heard from Emily that she heard from Violet that Peter Pettigrew said that he was thinking about dumping her."

Three sets of accusing eyes whipped around to Peter, who was looking sheepish. "What?" he whispered, shrugging. "It's not like it was a secret! You talk about it all the time!"

"Really?" one of the girls was saying thoughtfully. They were turning the corner now.

"You think he's cute, don't you Florence?" Sirius recognized Florence Flume, one of his classmates. Like the rest of the Gryffindors in his year, he had known her since the beginning of the previous year, but he had never noticed before how pretty she was.

"Yeah, he's cute," she admitted with a little smile. "If he didn't have a girlfriend..."

"Not that this isn't fun," James whispered, jabbing Sirius in the back, "but don't we have a sweet shop to visit?"

Sirius wanted to stay and hear what else Florence had to say about him, but his friends herded him down the hall and towards the secret passage to Honeydukes.

----------

"She _is_ cute, don't you think?" Sirius insisted, smiling. After raiding Honeydukes (and leaving a large amount of money behind to appease Remus), they had decided not to return to the common room. James and Sirius's pent-up energy demanded more adventure, so they had made their way out of the castle, across the grounds, and through the Whomping Willow. They now sat in the drawing room of the Shrieking Shack, eating their candy and drinking butterbeer.

"Uh, Sirius?" Remus said, and Sirius turned to look at him.

"What?"

"Um," Remus frowned. "I'm not sure how to break this to you, mate," he said, speaking very, very slowly, as though Sirius was quite stupid. "But you already _have_ a girlfriend. Remember? Pretty? Blonde? The one you're constantly kissing?"

"Because it's the only way to get her to shut up," Sirius grumbled, but he smiled. As annoying as Gabrielle had become, he _did_ still like kissing her.

Remus shook his head. "You two are impossible," he muttered.

Something clicked in Sirius's brain. It seemed terribly obvious now. Why hadn't he thought of it before?"

"You're right," he agreed. "This is getting ridiculous." All three of them looked surprised at this pronouncement. "There's only one thing to do." He leaned forward towards Remus and put on his best begging face. "Remus?"

"No," Remus said instantly, as he always did when Sirius wore that expression.

"Will you tell Gabrielle and Emma that-"

"Absolutely _not_!" he exclaimed, throwing the remains of a destroyed chair cushion at him. "Do it yourselves! Are you Gryffindors or not?"

"That stings a bit," James muttered, shooting Remus a resentful look.

"He just doesn't understand. He doesn't _have_ a girlfriend," Sirius said as haughtily as he could.

Remus snorted. "Well, you two make having a girlfriend look like _so_ much fun…"

"Fine," Sirius grumbled. "I'll do it myself. Some friend you are."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Toss me a Chocolate Frog." Sirius chucked it at his head, and Remus ducked and caught it.

"So I was thinking," James said, "about that book."

"What book?" Peter asked, unwrapping a Peppermint Toad.

"Either _The Quidditch Player's Handbook_ or _The Greatest Charms You Won't Learn in School_," Sirius said immediately. They were the only two books that James ever read.

"The one Remus gave me for Christmas," James said, referring to the charms book. "It has some excellent ideas and we haven't really used most of them yet."

This was true. The book was filled with ready-made practical jokes and tricks. The boys had spent several hours studying the book when James had gotten back to school and had practiced a few of the charms on each other. Sirius had been two feet tall with bunny ears for over an hour before Remus had mastered the counter-hex. They had learnt a few of the spells and had used them frequently over the following weeks, and they had worked so well that the boys hadn't really bothered to learn any more since then.

"I'll never forget how Snape looked with violet pigtails," Peter said wistfully, and Sirius and James both laughed at the memory. It had been one of those wonderful, wonderful jokes, where everyone had _known_ who had done it, but the teachers had not been able to prove a thing. They couldn't escape the twenty minutes of stern lecturing from McGonagall, but they had managed to avoid an actual punishment.

"Remember the engorging hex?" James asked, and the boys nodded.

"That's the one that blows the person up to three times their normal size," Remus said, frowning. Aside from being less funny than many of the other charms, it was among the nastier spells in the book. The description had said that the hex was very painful, and the counter-hex very difficult.

"Exactly," James said. "Well, Emma keeps going on and on about one of the Hufflepuff girls that got cursed last week. Guess who was responsible?" In the faint light of their wands, Sirius could see the look of loathing on James's face.

"Snape," he instantly, but to his surprise, James shook his head.

"Bella," Remus said quietly. There was dislike and fear etched into his face, but also a certain wariness at the vicious look on James's. The previous year, Bella had not only nearly exposed Remus's condition, but she had nearly turned him loose at the full moon. For some reason, Remus actually seemed to carry less of a grudge about this than the other three.

"That spell might be a little extreme," Remus pointed out cautiously.

"We could get into real trouble for that," Peter added.

James plowed on determinedly. "Come on. She's absolutely wretched! She deserves it!"

"She really does," Sirius agreed firmly. "I'm in."

Remus shook his head, frowning as he spun a licorice wand on the floor. "I don't know," he said. "Peter's right. We would be in _huge_ trouble if we got caught. And Sirius would probably get in trouble at home, wouldn't you?" Remus looked at him. "Won't your parents be furious if you hurt your cousin?"

Sirius looked away, focusing on his bottle of butterbeer. He hoped the conversation would go on, but everyone was waiting for his answer. In light of the developments in his love life over Christmas, he had managed to avoid explaining his early return from the holidays, as well as the ugly bruise on his cheek. Only Remus had gotten a brief, "We had a fight," on Christmas night.

"Somehow I don't think it'll matter much to Sirius's parents," James said quietly. Sirius could feel his eyes on him.

"What do you mean?" Peter asked.

James paused a long time before speaking. "They don't even write anymore."

Sirius realized that James noticed more than he let on. He also realized that James was trying to handle the situation _for_ him, torn between not wanting to tell Sirius's secrets, but wanting to spare Sirius from having to tell the story himself. He felt a little flare of anger in his stomach. He did not want or need his friend's pity.

"We had a fight," he said brusquely. "At Christmas. And I'm fairly certain that they will hate me just the same whether I curse Bella or not, so I say curse her." His voice sounded harsh and angry, not offhand, as he had meant it to sound.

"What did you fight about?" Peter asked curiously, and Sirius saw the warning glares that Remus and James both aimed at him.

"The same old thing," Sirius muttered. He wanted them to step staring at him. Tonight was supposed to be about having fun, and in his opinion, there was nothing less fun than talking about his family.

He forced himself to give a laughing snort. "Apparently I don't exhibit the proper amount of pride for a member of the noble Black family," he continued, pleased to hear the casual scorn in his voice. "So, how are we going to get Bella?" he said, trying to ease the way into a different topic. "I say we do it from behind a tapestry, when there are a whole bunch of people around to see her."

"I don't know," James said, allowing the subject change. "It might be harder to get away if there's a crowd."

The tension in the room faded as they debated the proper location and time for the prank. Both Remus and Peter looked mildly relieved that the anger was gone from Sirius's voice, but even in the dim wandlight, Sirius could see the hardness that remained in James's eyes.

----------

"Don't panic. I'm coming in." The hangings opened, and James crawled onto Sirius's bed. Deep, even breathing from Remus and light snoring from Peter told Sirius that his other roommates were fast asleep. He, however, was wide-awake. He sat up to face James, who sat at the foot of his bed.

"So what the hell happened at Christmas?" he asked without preamble.

This was the moment Sirius had been waiting for. This was his chance to unload on his best friend, to tell him all about how his horrid cousins had set him up, and the horrible things that were said, and how his father had hit him, and how, in the end, he had fled his house and no one had even tried to stop him.

James was watching him expectantly, hazel eyes stony in the light of the half-moon. Sirius opened his mouth, but suddenly found himself unable to speak. He thought of the Potters and knew that James could never understand. How could he possibly explain the way his family went out of their way to keep from even _touching_ him, when James's family adored him?

"Nothing," he said. "Just a fight, like I said."

James looked irritated. "Don't be an ass, Sirius," he said dismissively. "I _know_ it was a fight, but clearly it was more than just that. Is that where that bruise came from?" James had asked him about the yellowish bruise the day he had come back, but Sirius had managed to dodge the question.

Sirius hesitated, then nodded, sighing resignedly. "Yeah. It came from my dad, after he found out that I had kissed a muggleborn."

And then it was easy. He told James everything, and James listened, expressionless except for tiny flashes of anger. Sirius was proud of himself for not crying, but he couldn't keep his voice calm, couldn't keep himself from showing the anger and confusion and hurt. When he finally finished, they sat in silence, Sirius exhausted from the catharsis and James processing what he had been told.

"You can come with me," he said finally.

"What?" Sirius asked blankly.

"This summer. You can come and stay with me," James said firmly. "I'm sure my parents won't mind, not once I've explained-"

"_No_," Sirius interrupted him. "No, James, I couldn't."

"Why on earth not?" James arched an eyebrow at him.

"Because it's your home, not mine." Sirius didn't know how he could make James understand this. "They're _your _parents, and it's _your_ house. Yours. Not mine."

"Don't be stupid," James said, rolling his eyes, but Sirius cut him off again.

"I mean it, James," he said. "I just can't. Okay?"

James scowled, but dropped the subject. "Your dad is a bastard," he said instead.

"I know," Sirius said. "Believe me, I know."

After James returned to his own bed, Sirius laid there and thought about his offer. He knew James had taken a chance on him, that first day on the Hogwarts Express. A pureblood himself, he had known the stories about the Black family. Despite that, he had befriended Sirius. He hadn't blinked at the whispers in the hallway, the smirks from the Slytherins and the flinches from the rest. Perhaps Remus and Peter had never noticed them because they hadn't expected them, but James's eyes would flash briefly, and Sirius knew he saw them. Instead of pulling away or looking awkward, James would actually take a physical step towards Sirius, walking slightly closer, talking slightly louder, and leaving no doubt in anyone's mind exactly who his best friend was.

James was a good friend to him, and Sirius would let him be his friend. But he absolutely refused to be James's charity case.

He was so busy thinking, he didn't notice that the even breathing and the light snoring had long ago ceased.


	6. As You Know

"Not one person I've talked to can actually tell me what Arithmancy _is_," James said, frowning.

"Well," Remus began, "some numbers have inherently magical..." he trailed off at the exasperated look he was receiving from his friends. "You asked!" he pointed out defensively.

"Divination sounds like it could be fun," Sirius mused, discreetly trying to transfigure James's comfortable chair by the fireplace into a large water basin. He was not having much success. "Not to mention helpful. It would be nice to know when the Slytherins were going to hex us _before_ it actually happened."

"I don't think it works like that," James said skeptically, "and I hear Professor Estrella is as crazy as a bat."

The selection of new classes for the next year was a popular topic of discussion among the second years. All Sirius had decided for sure was that he was going to take Muggle Studies, just to make his father angry.

"Take it with me," he urged the others. "It'll be interesting!"

"I'm from a muggle family, remember?" Peter said, rolling his eyes. "Believe me, it's not that interesting."

"Well, it'll be easy for you then, won't it?" Sirius said reasonably. "What about you, Moony? You in?"

Remus had been far less uptight about the whole thing than Sirius had expected. In fact, he realized concernedly, he had been downright apathetic.

"Sure," Remus said unenthusiastically.

"All right." James sat up in his chair and turned his full attention to Remus. "What's going on, Moony?" he said, echoing Sirius's thoughts.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked. He wasn't doing homework for once. He was just lying on the floor, staring blankly upward.

"Choosing these classes is supposed to be really important," James said, "and you're not at all worried about it."

"Neither are you," he pointed out dryly.

"Yeah well, we don't worry about anything, do we?" Sirius said matter-of-factly. "_You_ usually worry about everything."

Remus shrugged blankly, still staring at the ceiling. James and Sirius exchanged incredulous looks, and Peter frowned in confusion.

"It affects our whole future! It affects what jobs we can get when we grow up and everything!" James cried.

"So?" Remus said. Sirius thought he detected a slight trace of bitterness in that single word.

"_So_?" James repeated. He looked a bit dumbfounded. Remus turned his head to stare at James for a long moment, then turned back to the ceiling.

"So people like me don't generally work anyway," he said in a monotone. "No one will hire us." Before they could reply, he sighed and sat up. "Fine," he said. "I'll take it seriously."

"Remus," Sirius began, but Remus cut him off.

"What are our options? Besides Muggle Studies and Divination, I mean."

"Remus," Peter tried again timidly, but Remus fixed him with a glare that silenced him immediately.

Apparently Sirius wasn't the only one who didn't want pity.

----------

"You're an idiot," Peter said, shaking his head as the four of them strolled down the hallway. "At least with Gabrielle you could escape her in the evenings and at classes. You and Florence _have _to spend all day together."

It had not been easy for Sirius to escape his girlfriend so that they could walk with Remus to the hospital wing. He had finally gotten up the nerve to dump Gabrielle (who had thrown an ink bottle at his head) and had been going out with Florence for almost two whole weeks.

"Peter's right," James agreed. "Never date Gryffindor girls."

"Maybe you're right," Sirius said with a sigh. Truthfully, he was already looking for an excuse to break up with her. His thoughts must have shown on his face because Remus scowled at him.

"She let you kiss her, and now you're going to dump her?" he asked incredulously. Sirius shrugged, and Remus gave a snort of disgust. "Don't you think that's kind of mean?" Sirius shrugged again.

"We're thirteen, Moony," he said. "It's not like we're going to get married." Remus still didn't look happy, but he didn't lecture Sirius.

All right, maybe it _was_ a little bit mean, Sirius admitted to himself, and decided he wouldn't dump Florence just yet.

After saying goodbye to Remus, the three of them wandered the halls as long as they dared before heading back to Gryffindor Tower. They didn't really have any particular reason, except that Remus leaving always put a damper on their spirits, and Sirius was avoiding Florence. They put off returning as long as they could, until they risked getting in trouble if any of the teachers spotted them in the halls.

"Mister Black?" They were walking down a fourth floor corridor when they turned to see Dumbledore quickly approaching. He glanced at James and Peter only briefly before focusing in on Sirius.

Sirius had been in trouble plenty of times over the past two years and had received lectures from the Headmaster on more than one occasion. He had never, however, seen Dumbledore look this solemn.

"Blimey, Sirius," James muttered as Dumbledore neared them. "What did you do?" Sirius shrugged, utterly baffled.

"Sirius," Dumbledore said, "could you please come with me?"

Sirius nodded mutely. As he followed Dumbledore, he looked back over his shoulders at his friends, feeling slightly nervous. He generally knew _why_ he was in trouble. James and Peter just shrugged helplessly as he walked away.

Dumbledore didn't speak as he led Sirius through the castle to his office. "Ice Mice," he said to the stone gargoyle, and Sirius followed him onto the spiral stone staircase. Once in his office, Dumbledore sat down behind his desk and motioned Sirius to one of the chairs in front of it. Sirius sat stiffly, apprehensive.

"I didn't do anything-" he began after a moment, and to his surprise Dumbledore gave a very small chuckle.

"I know you didn't," he said. "You're not here because you're in trouble."

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, but Dumbledore's smile disappeared almost instantly. He pressed the tips of his fingers together, struggling for words.

"Sirius, I received an owl earlier this evening," he began tentatively. Sirius was certain he saw pity in his eyes. What was going on? "As you know, your father has not been well for some time."

"What?" Sirius said stupidly, and he saw alarm mix with the pity.

"Your father," Dumbledore said. "He's had Dragon pox, and...but didn't your family tell you?" Dumbledore looked shocked and slightly angry as Sirius shook his head.

"I haven't heard from my family since Christmas," he said dully. His stomach knotted as the edges of his mind realized what was coming, but he refused to let himself acknowledge the thought.

Dumbledore closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again they were calm.

"Your father passed away this evening, Sirius," he said gently. "In St. Mungo's Hospital. Dragon pox at his age is..." he trailed off, perhaps seeing the blankly apathetic look on Sirius's face.

His father was dead? This was something he had never considered, never even thought possible. His father, with all of his cruelty, was something that had always existed and would always continue to exist. Cruelty like that doesn't die, and certainly not from something as petty as _dragon pox._

"Professor Slughorn is speaking with your cousins," Dumbledore continued quietly. "Arrangements are being made for you to return to your family in the morning. You will, of course, be excused from classes for the next few days. For now, I will walk with you back to Gryffindor Tower. I know your friends-"

"_No._" Sirius said shrilly. He had never heard his voice sound quite like that before. He couldn't think right and his lungs burned as he tried to breathe. He needed air. He needed to get away.

"I'll go back alone," he said, tripping slightly as he stood up. Dumbledore frowned and shook his head.

"Sirius," he said, "I don't want to leave you alone right-"

"I need to be alone," he said abruptly, interrupting Dumbledore, something he never would have dared to do normally. "I just want to walk back alone. I need to be alone before I see them."

The pity had returned to those blue eyes and it made Sirius even angrier. Dumbledore considered and finally nodded.

"All right," he conceded, staring hard at Sirius. "You may return to Gryffindor Tower alone. I will come for you at eight o'clock tomorrow morning."

Sirius nodded and stumbled out of the room. Back in the hallway, the world was tilting back and forth, and he still couldn't breathe. He remembered his father the last time he had seen him, that flicker of surprise when Sirius had declared he was leaving, that stony face and those hate-filled eyes. Sirius thought he might throw up.

It _hurt_. Why on earth did it hurt, he wondered? He had not liked or loved his father. He knew he would not miss his father. But still, something inside him felt like it was falling apart.

"Sirius!" He turned to see shining blond hair running his way, speeding down the hall. "Sirius, oh thank Merlin I found you!" It was Cissy, and she was crying. "Professor Slughorn just told us," she gasped, sniffing and wiping her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sirius!"

And she _was_ sorry. Sirius could see that. He didn't care, though. Cissy was coddled and loved by her family, and even Sirius's father had liked her. Staring at her crying blue eyes, Sirius truly hated her.

"I'm not," he said roughly, and he pushed past her. He didn't know where he was going. He just knew he had to find a place where he could breathe, somewhere far away from people.

She didn't understand hurt or rejection, just like James and Peter didn't understand hurt or rejection. They had never been hated, never had people avert their eyes at the sight of them.

And then he knew where he was going, and he broke into a run.

It was easy to find his way across the Hogwarts grounds in the light of the full moon. For once the strange sounds from the forest didn't frighten him at all.

"_As you know,"_ Dumbledore had said. As you know. He hadn't known anything, hadn't received a single bloody owl in three months. He hadn't minded, hadn't cared, because he had known he would hate whatever they had to say anyway. But this... how could they not tell him _this_? It was completely unfair, to have it thrown at him like this!

He reached the Whomping Willow, and used a stick to press the knot at its base. He darted through the branches and, leaning his head against the rough bark of the trunk, finally quit running.

He thought about climbing into the tunnel, thought about finding Remus. He felt almost reckless enough to do it. In the end, he settled for sitting down in the dirt, his back against the tree. He could barely see the moon through the branches. The tree twitched back to life, but seemed unable to sense Sirius, sitting perfectly still against the trunk.

There was a strange howl coming at Sirius, both from far away in the distance and from the base of the tree, and he realized it was Remus. It was completely different from the sound he had heard while lying on his bed at night. This was a more frantic, pained, and vicious sound. He thought of the marks on Remus when he came back each month, the gashes and bruises from where he had clawed and bitten himself and thrown himself against walls and furniture. He understood the wolf now, he thought. He too felt a desire to claw and bite and thrash until he bled.

He didn't know how long he sat there. The concept of time seemed to have faded from him. Then a stick levitated beside him and moved to hit the knot. Sirius felt no panic or alarm as he looked around, only a dull flicker of curiosity. There was absolutely no one out there, and then he knew. His friends had found him.

James and Peter pulled the Invisibility Cloak off as they navigated through the motionless branches. The moon and tree cast shadows on their faces so that he couldn't read their expressions and they didn't say a word as they approached him. They stood there for a brief moment, staring down at him. He didn't look back. He didn't want to talk to them. But James just sat down on his right and Peter on his left, not touching him, not talking. Just sitting.

He wondered vaguely how they had known, whether Dumbledore had told them, but he didn't care enough to actually ask.

The evening was chilly, and eventually the cold air soothed his burning lungs and he could breathe again. He stopped thinking and just stared at the moon and listened to Remus. An inkling of understanding was creeping into the back of his mind.

His father had not loved him. He knew that. But now there was the inescapable truth that his father never would.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Peter's head resting against the bark. With his face upturned to the light, Sirius could make out the sadness and helplessness etched upon it. On his other side James stared straight ahead, his face expressionless, his eyes hard. The three of them waited for sunrise, kept company by Remus's pained howls. If the unyielding ground and cold breeze bothered Peter or James, it didn't show. They didn't move the entire night.

Peter and James.

Mudblood and blood traitor.

When the sun came up and the howling stopped, all three sets of eyes began flitting towards the tunnel expectantly. When Remus finally emerged, he almost fell over in surprise. Pushing his brown hair out of his face with a bloodied hand, he stared around at the three of them.

"What on earth are you all doing out here?" he asked exhaustedly, looking at his watch. "It's seven thirty in the morning."

Seven thirty. Dumbledore was coming for him at eight. Sirius stood up, hit the knot on the tree and headed back towards the castle. Behind him, he heard James murmuring to Remus, explaining, just as he had known he would. From somewhere far away, he felt relief and annoyance at James's intervention.

Just outside the castle, James handed Sirius the cloak. Sirius was confused for a moment until he heard the bustle of students inside, heading to breakfast. He nodded his gratitude, threw the cloak over his head, and headed to Gryffindor Tower unseen by his classmates. He couldn't stand the thought of talking to anyone.

In the dormitory, he carelessly threw his possessions into his trunk. He could leave his textbooks, he wouldn't need those. Dress robes, he'd better take those with him. He folded up the cloak and tucked it under the covers of James's bed.

He hadn't looked back when he had last left Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. He hadn't even been certain he would ever return. Now he was going back, earlier than he had ever dreamed. The thought did not make him sentimental or sad. He merely wondered how soon he would be able to come back to Hogwarts.

Finished packing, he sat on his bed and waited for Dumbledore. He remembered that his dad had sounded almost proud, had nearly smiled at the thought of his son kissing a girl in the school halls. He tried to remember what that had looked like, but he couldn't. All he could remember was the look on his dad's face when he had hit him. Hate. Not just the absence of love, but _hate_.

The door opened, and Dumbledore stepped into the doorway.

"Are you ready, Sirius?"


	7. Not the Same

_Ancient Runes_. That might be interesting. It sounded a bit like learning another language. But then, it wasn't a language that anyone actually _used_, so what was the point?

_Arithmancy_. Puzzles. Solving problems that had actual, real _answers_. Yes, that one might be worth a shot.

_Care of Magical Creatures_. He knew Remus was taking this class out of a sense of duty. As a "magical creature" himself, he felt he needed to understand it more from the scholarly side. On the other hand, it seemed unlikely that Professor Truckle would bring any werewolves in to study.

_Divination_. No longer interesting. It was nice to at least _believe_ that decisions and choices meant _something_ and that everything wasn't already decided for you in advance.

_Muggle Studies_. Sirius winced. No doubt it would anger his mother just as much as it would have angered his father, but he no longer relished the thought. It had occurred to him that there wasn't much pride in accomplishing the inevitable.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. A few weeks ago, he had found the debate interesting. Now, with only hours left before he had to inform McGonagall of his decision, he tried to summon up some small piece of caring.

"Hey Sirius." He turned to see Remus standing in the doorway of the dormitory.

"Hey Moony," he said, setting down the book he had been using as a desk.

"Still trying to make up your mind about classes?" Remus asked conversationally.

"I think I've got it figured out," he replied, yawning and stretching. "You?"

"Yeah, I made up my mind a few days ago." It was a bit of a game that they all had been playing since he had returned. Sirius would behave himself and be nice as long as the conversation stayed superficial. If anyone tried to broach anything personal, he snapped at them and brooded for the rest of the day.

James and Peter walked in, laughing at something James had said. Sirius felt a surge of annoyance. He knew that that was entirely unfair, that just because he felt wretched didn't mean that no one else was allowed to laugh, but he didn't care. He fought back the urge to fling his book at them.

"What are you two up to?" James asked as he sat down on his bed and began pulling off his shoes.

"Classes for next year," Sirius said. "I finally made up my mind."

"Excellent," Peter said. "What'd you choose?"

"Arithmancy and Care of Magical Creatures," Sirius said. "I thought about Ancient Runes, but I decided against it."

"I thought you were going to take Muggle Studies?" Peter said innocently. James stopped halfway through pulling off his sock, and Remus's mouth tightened into a line.

_Poor Peter_, Sirius thought, and he actually had to hold in a little laugh. He didn't understand the game. He had never been particularly good at picking up subtle social cues. Leave it to him to put his foot in his mouth. Even now, he looked completely clueless that he had said something wrong. He was just waiting curiously for an answer to his question.

"_Peter_," James hissed, glaring at him. Peter looked over at him, startled. Then his eyes widened and his hand flew up over his mouth.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think-" he began, but he never got the whole sentence out.

"_Damn it_, James!" Sirius exploded in frustration, and this time he actually did throw his book at him. James ducked to the side and it hit his shoulder, and all three of them turned stunned faces to Sirius.

"Stop it!" he cried, looking around in vain for something else to throw at him. "Just stop it! I'm not five years old! I don't need you to take care of me! I don't need you to fight my battles or solve my problems, or to be my damned mum just because the mum I have is awful! All right?"

James's mouth opened and closed several times. He looked completely flabbergasted and slightly scared as Sirius stood up. Months of silent irritations were finally coming to the surface, every angry thought he had had since he had spent two weeks staying with James's perfect family.

"Nothing you can do, nothing you can say, can make my family anything other than what it is! They're _my family_! And I know they're wretched and terrible and hateful, and you can't possibly hate them any more than I do, but _you can't fix it_! You're not some kind of god! I'm not you, and you can't _make_ me you!"

James finally found his voice. "Make you me? What the hell are you talking about, Sirius?"

"Your life is your life! It's not mine, it will never be mine, but you seem to think that if you try hard enough you can just make everything perfect! Come stay at _my_ house Sirius, _my_ parents are fantastic, _my_ family is understanding, _my_ life is wonderful!"

James's face flushed as he jumped to his feet. "I was trying to be nice! I was trying to help my friend! Is that such a terrible thing to do?"

"You _can't_ help! Why don't you get that? You can't-"

"I can at least try!"

"You are _such_ an arrogant bastard, James! You think you can-"

"You're absolutely unbelievable. I try to help, and-"

"I don't want your damn help! I don't want your help, or your pity-"

"Now I'm a bad friend because I feel sorry for you? Because I know how much your family hurts you? Oh, what a terrible thing-"

"I don't want you to _feel sorry for me_! I just want you to be my friend, but you-"

"That's what I thought I was doing! Being your-"

"No! You're always treating me like I'm somehow less than you because my family is-"

"I have _never_ treated you badly because of your family! Never!"

"Not badly, but you don't treat me the same as everyone else!"

"You're _not_ the same as everyone else!"

The silence that followed seemed to suck all the air out of the room. Sirius quit moving, quit breathing as he stared at James.

"I just mean that I know how your family affects you," James began to explain, looking worried and frightened and sorry all at the same time. "I don't mean that you're-"

"Go to hell, James."

Sirius wanted to storm out, to walk it off, to wander the corridors of the castle until he felt calm again, but he couldn't. It was late, and without a cloak to hide under, he was almost guaranteed to get caught. There was no promise of freedom and relief in that. He settled for climbing back onto his bed and jerking the hangings shut around him.

It blocked out the light, but it didn't block out the silence. A moment later Sirius heard the opening and slamming of the trunk at the foot of James's bed, and the slamming of the door to the dormitory. Anything Remus and Peter said to each other was said wordlessly, and a few minutes later he heard them each climb into bed.

He hadn't believed that James thought he was different, not really. It had been one of those thoughts that you can't get rid of, even though you know you're wrong. He had felt marked when he had first started at Hogwarts, as though the Black name was somehow visible on him, and James had been the first person who had made him believe that maybe that wasn't the case. That he wasn't just a Black. That he was just like everyone else. But not even James had believed it, he saw now. Even James had believed he wasn't the same as them. _Still_ believed he wasn't the same.

He didn't sleep that night, but he didn't hear much in the room. He didn't hear any snoring, or slow, even breathing. He didn't hear the sound of the door opening and footsteps returning. All and all, it was a pretty quiet night.

----------

"Shouldn't we _do_ something?"

"What is it you think we should do, Peter?"

"Anything! They can't go on like this – they're best friends!"

"They'll snap out of it eventually."

"You really think so?"

"Either that or they'll spend the next five years miserable."

The muttering went on like that for several minutes before Sirius finally said loudly, "I'm angry, not deaf."

"Then take a hint," Remus said exasperatedly. He climbed off of Peter's bed to sit on Sirius's. "Can't you at least talk to him?"

"No," Sirius said firmly, perfectly aware that James could easily hear every word from his own bed.

"Why not? I know-"

"Drop it, Moony." Sirius's voice carried a warning, and Remus sighed resignedly. Sirius's screaming attack at James had successfully scared everyone enough to prevent them from arguing with him.

Remus stood up with an air of determination, but James didn't even look up as he approached him. "Don't even think about it, Moony."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Stubborn idiots," he muttered before returning to sit with Peter again.

----------

Sirius had never really been the studying type. It wasn't that he found studying particularly horrible to do. It was just that classes came easily for him, so studying wasn't terribly necessary and homework seemed like a waste of time. His lack of studying in the past made it all the more strange that, as final exams approached, he felt left out. James, aside from being a slightly better student in general, also had a knack for explaining things to Peter. Sirius was therefore graceful enough to allow James the "study time."

Peter and Remus's lives had been divided into shifts. Breakfast and lunch were Sirius's, along with Herbology and Potions. Dinner, Transfiguration and Charms were James's. During their free time, Remus and Peter generally ran for it, avoiding both of them, as they both tended to be very grumpy.

Watching them study from the other side of the common room, he almost missed Florence for a moment. They had never really broken up, not officially. He had simply gone home, come back, and never spoken to her again. He was fairly certain that Remus had pulled her aside and explained, because whenever she saw him she looked either pitying or indifferent, never angry. The moment of nostalgia passed quickly, though. He had a feeling that giggling and handholding right now wouldn't really make him feel any less lonely.

He would go to bed soon, but not just yet. He was waiting for it. It came every night. He didn't know _why_ he waited for it, it made absolutely no sense. But he did.

Here he came...

"Hey Sirius," Remus said as he sat down next to him.

"Hey Remus." It was flawlessly choreographed.

"Ready for exams?" he asked casually.

"Yeah, I think so." _Wait for it..._

"Transfiguration tomorrow. I think it'll be tough." _His worry almost looks real..._

"Most likely. McGonagall is always pretty tough." _Almost there..._

"You can come study with us, if you want."

There it was.

"No, thanks. I think I'm ready." Sirius felt slightly guilty at the frustrated expression on Remus's face. He should have just gone to bed. It had been unkind of him to allow his friend to do this yet again. Remus dropped the pretense now.

"Just _talk_ to him. Please."

"No."

--------

"Please pass your exams forward," Dearborn said.

The rustling of parchment filled the classroom. Sirius felt a mix of excitement and nerves as he turned in the exam. This had been his last chance to prove himself to Dearborn. He had spent an entire school year waiting for some sign of approval or distaste from the man, and had received nothing but indifference. He had written as small as he could on the exam, trying to fit as much information as he could into as small a space as possible. Only nerds like Moony used a second roll of parchment. As he worked, he had felt the now-familiar sensation of Dearborn watching him.

"All right," Dearborn said once he had gathered the tests. "The second bit of the exam is, as I told you last week, practical. You've been working in pairs all year, learning how to disarm and block hexes. It's time to see what you've learned."

One at a time, he called forward the pairs that had been working together. He had each student attempt to disarm their opponent, and block a simple hex. Sirius realized with a strange squirm in his stomach that within the next few minutes he would actually be dueling with James.

When they were finally called forward, he felt a slightly malicious pleasure at the anxiety on James's face. If there was one class in which Sirius consistently outshone him, it was this one.

"All right," Dearborn said. "Attempt to disarm. One, two, three."

James barely even tried. Sirius caught his wand easily and tossed it back to him, unable to keep from smirking. James glowered at him.

"All right, Potter, you're hexing. Black, you're blocking," Dearborn instructed. "Remember, Leg-Locker or Body-Bind Curse only. One, two, three."

"_Locomotor mortis!_"

He raised his wand to block it, and was stunned to find that James had been faster. His legs snapped together, and he felt backward. The class snickered, and he felt himself redden slightly. He didn't know if he was embarrassed because he had just been beaten in his best subject, or if he was angry because he had just been beaten by James. Either way, he was determined to make up for it.

Dearborn jotted notes down on the parchment in front of him. "All right, now in reverse. One, two three."

"_PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!_"

James barely had time to flinch. The spell shot forth so powerfully that James didn't fall back so much as fly back. His feet actually left the ground as he hit the wall and fell _forward_. The entire class watched as he went down, unable to reach out his arms to break his fall. As his face hit the ground, his nose made a very unpleasant crunching noise.

Sirius froze as Dearborn rushed forward.

"Oh, Merlin. _Finite incantatem_. You all right, Potter?"

James sat up, blood dripping from his nose.

"Let me see." Dearborn examined James's face briefly, then sighed. "Yes, it's definitely broken. Nothing Madame Pomfrey can't fix, though. Black, take him to the hospital wing, then come back and see me."

James glared daggers at him as he climbed to his feet. Sirius held the classroom door open for him, then followed him meekly into the hall.

They walked in silence, James holding his nose to try to staunch the flow of blood. Sirius looked at the ground, at the end of the hall, anywhere but at James and the blood. He was trying very hard not to feel guilty. He was not succeeding.

James broke the silence abruptly.

"You broke my damn nose, Sirius!" He sounded angry, but he also sounded frustrated and tired.

"I did the same curse that half the class did," Sirius said weakly.

"Half the class didn't end up with their faces gushing blood!" James glared at him again out of the corner of his eye.

"It was an accident!" he protested. "I was just doing the assignment!"

James stopped and turned to face him. "An accident? You really flung me against the wall of the classroom because you were _doing the assignment_?"

If both of his hands weren't currently over his face, Sirius thought James might have tried to hit him. He looked furious, but there was something else there too. He looked _hurt_.

James shook his head and kept walking. "What do you want from me?" he asked.

Sirius didn't answer. He had no idea what to say. He didn't _know _what he wanted from James.

"And I don't just mean now," he continued. "I don't know what you _want_ from me. I try to be your friend, and it makes you angry. I do nothing, and I don't feel like I'm being a friend at all! I can't win, Sirius! I can't do anything right!"

Sirius was horrified to see that even though his face was screwed up in anger, James's eyes were glistening dangerously.

"Potter! What on earth happened to you?"

They had reached the hospital wing, and Madame Pomfrey was rushing to meet them in the doorway.

"Just a broken nose," James said through the blood, blinking furiously.

"Oh, yes, I know those hurt, but it's really very easy to fix," she said sympathetically, misunderstanding the tears in his eyes. "Come, sit over here."

She ushered James into the room. Sirius watched her long enough to make sure James's nose was fixed, and hurried away.

----------

Dearborn was grading exams when Sirius returned. The rest of the students had already been dismissed.

"Is Potter all right?" he asked as Sirius entered. He nodded.

"Yeah, Madame Pomfrey is taking care of him." He wondered exactly how much trouble you got in for breaking your partner's nose during an exam. It was an accident – surely it couldn't be worse than what they got for locking little Macnair in a suit of armor for the better part of an afternoon.

Incredibly, the corners of Dearborn's mouth were twitching. "That was very impressive today, Black," he said. "As usual, you showed... a great deal of enthusiasm."

Sirius smiled back timidly, relieved. "Quite intense for a class of second years?" he muttered sheepishly, and Dearborn made a kind of choking sound that may have been a laugh.

"Yes, precisely. Now, I don't know what you'll be doing next year, but I do suggest you invest some time and energy into learning how to better control that enthusiasm and intensity."

"What did your third years do this year?" he asked, finding the comment a bit strange. "Will it be different next year?"

"Oh, I'm not coming back next year," Dearborn said. "I liked teaching, but I'm really more of the _doing_ type. I'm going back to the Ministry."

"Oh." Sirius felt a bit disappointed. He wasn't sure exactly how he felt about Dearborn, but he was certainly better than Professor Timms had been.

"Now, you say that Potter is fine?" Dearborn asked.

"Yes, sir," Sirius said, looking down. He had kind of hoped they had moved past that.

"Then I say, no harm done. I can't very well punish you for doing exceptionally well on an exam, can I?"

"Um..." Sirius had no idea how he was supposed to respond to that statement.

"Speaking of the exam..."

Dearborn reached over and picked up the small stack of already-graded exams on the desk. He shuffled through it and pulled one out. " I think I'll go ahead and give this back to you. Have a good summer, Black, and good luck."

"Thank you, sir."

Sirius didn't dare look at the parchment until he was back in the corridor. Written at the top in red ink was his grade.

100.


	8. Nothing You Could Ask

Exams were over, the afternoon sun was out, and the air of freedom hung over Hogwarts. Sirius was lying on his bed, doing absolutely nothing. His face tightened as he heard footsteps enter the room. Well, maybe not _absolutely_ nothing.

He was waiting for James.

"Where are Remus and Peter?" James asked stiffly. That was a good sign. It was the first stab at civil conversation in weeks. Sirius sat up and turned to face James, glancing at him quickly and looking away again. His nose looked fine now, but his face and robes were still covered in blood.

"Out on the grounds, avoiding us," he answered, and James snorted.

As he cleaned his face and changed his robes, Sirius sat there in silence. He wanted to say something to make things different, to make things better, but every time he tried to figure out what to say, he came up blank.

"You hexed me into a wall, you know," James said pointedly.

"Yes, I know," Sirius sighed. They'd already _had_ this conversation. Granted, James had been a bit more adamant last time, but the conversation was the same.

"No one else got hexed into a wall."

"I _know_, James." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "I'm sorry, all right?"

James stared down at him, not saying anything until Sirius looked up and met his eyes. Then he spoke slowly and emphatically. "Everyone else doesn't do everything perfect in Defense Against the Dark Arts every single time. Everyone else doesn't memorize the entire text. Everyone else sees it as just another class, and not as something real or dangerous or scary. But _you_ do. And not just in class. It's _real_ to you." He paused, rubbing his hand over his eyes. "So you're _not_ the same as everyone else. You're not."

Sirius blinked in surprise. "Oh," he said stupidly.

James shook his head in resigned frustration and turned to leave. "See you around, Sirius."

"James." James stopped, but he didn't turn around. Sirius talked to his hands, which were clenched together, his elbows resting on his knees.

"I guess I said some pretty terrible stuff."

"Yeah. You did." A little bit of anger had found its way back into James's voice as he turned to face Sirius, his face unreadable.

"And I guess I hexed you into a wall," he added sheepishly, and he could have sworn James's mouth twitched just a tiny bit.

"Yes, you did."

Sirius sighed and buried his face in his hands. Why was this so hard?

"Look, mate," he said, looking up at James pleadingly, but James didn't move. He wasn't going to make this easy for him.

"I was a git."

James raised an eyebrow and waited.

"And I'm sorry."

James considered for a moment, then nodded. He took a few steps towards him and sat down on his bed so that they were sitting across from each other. He stared at Sirius with an unnerving intensity, hurt and bafflement etched across his face.

"What _do_ you want?" he asked him quietly.

"I don't know," Sirius admitted. Horrified, he felt his chest tightening and his eyes burning. He couldn't stop, though. He owed James the truth. After everything he had said to him, he owed him the truth.

"I can't change your family or your life. I know that," James said in frustration, and Sirius nodded.

"I know. I was just angry."

James shook his head. He looked lost. "There's nothing you could ask for that I wouldn't give," he muttered in a rush, staring at his knees, and Sirius knew the words were sincere. It was the promise of someone who had no idea what it meant to lose something. The thought didn't make him angry this time. It made him feel slightly empty.

Sirius thought hard, trying to name the emptiness, trying to define what it was that everyone else had that he lacked.

"I want... to be the same," he said finally, giving a small, mirthless laugh. "Like everyone else." He looked up at James, knowing he sounded pathetic and desperate and defeated. James didn't laugh at him, and Sirius didn't think the look in his eyes was exactly pity. It was more like pain. He had named the one thing that James, with his family and his money and his brains, could not give him.

"I'm sorry," James whispered helplessly, and he was kind enough to look down at his knees again while Sirius wiped his eyes.

"If I tell you that the offer to come to my place is open-ended, will you hex me again?"

Sirius let out a snort of laughter. "No, I think that was a one-time thing."

"Thank Merlin," he said, rubbing his nose gently and wincing. They sat in silence for a few more minutes, each one lost in his thoughts, until James finally stood up.

"Come on," he said. "Let's go find Moony and Peter."

----------

"Do you _want_ to go to the feast?" Peter asked reasonably. Remus let out an unintelligible groan.

"We'll help you get downstairs if you need us to," James offered.

"No, people will ask questions. I'll be fine," he muttered.

Sirius hated seeing him like this. No matter what Madame Pomfrey did, Remus was always blue and purple and bloody after a full moon. The cut he was currently sporting over his left eye appeared swollen and painful.

"You better get going, or you'll be late," he added dully, and Sirius knew that it was killing him to miss the end-of-term feast.

"We'll stay with you," Peter said, frowning, but Remus shook his head. He winced as soon as he did so.

"No, you go."

"He's right," Sirius said abruptly, standing. "Let's go."

He grabbed James and Peter's robes and all but pulled them out of the room.

"Are you crazy?" Peter asked. "We're not leaving him!"

"Of course we are," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "How on earth are we going to bring food back for him if we don't go get it?"

"If we go to the Great Hall, load up on food and leave, people might get suspicious," James mused as they headed out. "Better go straight to the source."

The house-elves were more than willing to help. Peter had been worried that they might be too busy with the feast, but the elves were merely waiting for the students to finish eating so that they could send up the desserts. They squealed delightedly when they saw James, who addressed several of them by name. They loaded up a basket with a bit of everything, and the boys hauled it back up to the top of Gryffindor Tower.

Remus had already dozed off again by the time they arrived, and he blinked wearily as they marched in.

"Wake up, Moony," James said, sitting at the foot of his bed. "No sandwiches tonight!"

"Did you bring the entire feast?" he mumbled, forcing himself into a sitting position.

"Pretty much," James said cheerfully. "Here. Eat some steak."

"So what's the plan for the summer?" Peter asked as they all sat on Remus's bed and ate. "Are we all going to James's house again?"

James and Remus both froze, and once again Sirius had to stop himself from laughing at Peter's social cluelessness.

"I don't know," James said slowly, not looking at Sirius. "I guess it depends on whether you all want to." Sirius knew he meant it depended on whether _he_ wanted to."

"I want to," Peter said immediately. Remus grimaced, but seemed too tired to try to discreetly smack Peter, and Sirius knew James wouldn't risk doing anything that might make Sirius think he was trying to coddle him.

"Yeah, sure," Sirius said, unable to stop himself from smiling at the obliviously expectant look on Peter's face. "Sounds like fun."

James looked immensely relieved, and even shot Sirius a quick grin. Sirius returned it. After all, why shouldn't he visit the Potters? Granted, they weren't _his_ family, but that didn't mean it wouldn't be nice to escape to somewhere friendly for a couple of weeks.

----------

"It'll be weird, won't it?" Remus asked quietly as Sirius gazed out the window, watching the buildings of London flash by.

"Yeah," he said. He tried not to think too hard about stepping off of the Hogwarts Express and seeing his mother and brother standing there without his father by their sides. It wasn't exactly a sad thought, but he couldn't deny it was strange.

"The Cannons are playing the Tornados in July," James said. "If you all came then, we could go see the game. I already checked the calendar," he added, seeing the look on Remus's face. "You'd be fine then."

Sirius's eyes stayed on the window. How long now? Two minutes? Less?

"What teams are good?" Remus was asking James interestedly, and James's face lit up as he began to educate Remus about professional Quidditch. Sirius half-listened, aware that his friends' eyes were darting to him frequently, noticing his silence but choosing to leave him alone with his thoughts.

Would it be different? Would it be better without his mum following his dad's lead? Would it be worse, trapped with a woman who was as vicious as ever, and now angry and bitter on top of that? Or would it just be exactly the same, locked in the same prison with a different jailor?

He caught James looking at him out of the corner of his eye, and he smiled at him, silently telling him that he was all right. There was a slight tentativeness, a wariness between them now that had never been there before, but Sirius knew it would fade. It would just take a little bit of time.

When they reached the station, Sirius took his time getting his trunk and leaving. His friends refrained from commenting on his obvious dawdling, but they stayed with him, continuing to chat superficially about Quidditch and summer plans.

He was the very last person off of the train. Stepping down onto the platform, he spotted his mother and brother almost immediately. They were waiting near the gate, not mingling with the other families or rushing forward to greet him.

He turned to say goodbye to his friends. James was looking at him uncertainly and glancing at his own parents. _He wants me to come say hello_, Sirius realized, but James appeared too nervous to suggest it. Looking through the crowd, he realized with relief that he would have to walk straight past James's family to get to his own. That made it easy. He flashed a reassuring smile at James, and they walked together.

Mr. Potter was speaking with Peter's dad as Mrs. Potter rushed forward and threw her arms around her son.

"Welcome home," Sirius heard her murmur in his ear as James briefly hugged her back. Sirius looked away. He didn't want to intrude on their personal moment.

"Oh, and Sirius!" she exclaimed, beaming at him as she released James. He smiled tentatively at her before stepping forward to accept her embrace. "James told me all about your dad," she whispered so that only he could hear. "I'm so sorry." She placed a kiss on the top of his head before letting go.

Based on the look on her face, Sirius doubted that James had told her _all_ about his dad. In fact, he suspected James hadn't told her very much about his father at all.

"See you in July, all right?" James said as they turned to leave.

"Yeah, in July," Sirius agreed. "You'll write me?" he added before walking away from all three of his friends. He knew he didn't really have to ask. They always wrote him. Still, he needed to know for sure.

"Of course," James said instantly.

"Constantly," Remus agreed.

"Everyday," Peter added.

"Twice a day!"

"Pages and pages!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'm going to end up with summaries of the new textbooks and commentaries on the Quidditch season and a crash course on how muggles spend their summers, aren't I?"

He laughed with his friends and said goodbye. His stomach sank as they all walked away. Sighing with dread at the inevitable, he turned to meet his own family.


	9. Author's Note

_A very long Author's Note:_

_Well, I just got back from class. I have now attended all of my classes for the semester once, and the verdict is thus:_

_HolycrapIamgoingtodie._

_It'll be a pretty intense semester. That being said, I am still going to try to write year three. I am going to try to take a break from life each weekend and write a chapter, which means it will be written waaaaaay slower than these past two. Fortunately, I started on the first chapter before school began and it should be up within a few days. I also plan on posting an outtake from this story sometime in the near future. _

_Thanks for reading, and please review and let me know what you thought of the story. :)_

_A couple of individual readers I wanted to address..._

_My beta, __**Confusednight **__– Thank you, thank you, thank you._

_To __**Anemone**__ – Thank you so much for your extremely helpful reviews. They were both encouraging and constructive. In regards to my mistakes, "painful" has been changed to "severe" in the first chapter. I don't think I can fix the Andromeda thing, so throw that in there with the other mistakes I've made.:( As for Cissy, hopefully she'll have future appearances. I liked the way she turned out. Also, your comment about the possibility of me having a career as a writer absolutely made my day. My week, really. I'm working on a novel now (or at least I was... I might not get much done on it this semester), and it's good to hear that at least one person thinks I stand a chance at succeeding._

_To __**lyin'**__ – As with Anemone, I am very grateful for your reviews. Thanks for taking the time to give me truly useful feedback. Also, you are the _first_ person to comment on the surnames thing! I actually squealed gleefully when I read your comment! You pick up on a lot of the subtle things that I assume only I will ever appreciate, and it makes me very happy. As for the Hopkirks... oops. I suppose they probably _wouldn't _be muggleborn. Peter, however, I made muggleborn for a reason. Hopefully I'll get to write all the stories in my head and that reason will actually come to light. _


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